I was doing so good

[Spacey]

Don't be there for her. She's involved with an OM in an A. You helping her through this is allowing cake-eating. You cannot and should not even talk about R stuff - hers or yours while there is an OM in the picture. She needs to deal with the consequences of her own decisions on her own.

Very important point there. You can't be her friend while she's seeking the company of another man. Doing so does two things: 1) It tells her that you're OK with her seeing someone else, and 2) it relieves the OM of a huge chunk of responsibility in his relationship with your wife. If you're wife's going to be with someone else, you have to let the OM carry his full and fair share of the responsibility and burden of dealing with your wife and her problems, and you have to let your wife carry the full load and burden of dealing with her own problems.

Don't be a crutch. Be friendly, but don't be her friend. It's both more difficult, and easier, than you think. She'll find ways to take it out on you, but you can just walk away from it. You might not feel good about doing so, but you'll feel a lot better than if you decided to stand there and take her abuse.

And yes, coming to you with her problems while simultaneously rejecting you is abuse.

Until then work on yourself. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.

This is what walking away is all about right now. You can't watch her be with an OM. Trust me, I've been there and it was the cruelest thing I ever experienced. You're not doing her any favours, and you're definitely not doing yourself any favours!

Protect yourself so that you can heal. It's only by healing that you can save your marriage. Your wife's never going to come back to a broken man, and if you try to act as her (and her relationship with OM's) crutch, you will end up feeling like a broken man.

That weakens your position and frankly looks pathetic in her eyes.

Honestly, this is very common advice handed out all over the internet. It may be well intended, but it's manipulative and off the mark. Yes, we all (or most of us, anyhow) want our spouses back. Yes, we're probably more likely to try something if we believe it will lead to them coming home, and we're less likely to try something if we believe it's going to make us look weak or hurt our chances of getting our marriages back.

But it's not actually a convincing argument for going dark. At best it's a carrot; at worst, it's a distraction from the actual goal of returning ourselves to a state of self-confidence. Actually, no, at worst it's actually a burden on our self-confidence, because it's telling people who really want to reach out and connect with their spouses that doing so (and by connection, wanting to do so) is a sign of weakness.

Beat up people already feel weak. I know I do, and I'm sure dwagy does. This kind of thing simply validates those feelings, and continues to erode self-confidence.


dawgy, I know you want to be there for her. I'm sure at some level, you don't even care if being there will bring her home. It's just your gut reaction. As far as you're concerned, it's your job and your duty. As admirable as that is, it's hurting you, and anything that hurts you also hurts your kids. Your wife is her own person, and you have to let her make her own choices, and, more importantly, deal with her own consequences. Her mistakes are hers to make, and hers to own. She's never going to stop making them if you're always going to try to swoop in and rescue her, and your own bruises are never going to heal if you keep on swooping.