I was doing so good

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, I was reading Spacey's sitch and saw your comment:

But as my W was there for me back then im trying to be there for her right now . Im trying to help her work through her pain and heal.

2x4 time.

When she was helping you through tough times it was due to a car accident, not a MLC or A.

Don't be there for her. She's involved with an OM in an A. You helping her through this is allowing cake-eating. You cannot and should not even talk about R stuff - hers or yours while there is an OM in the picture. She needs to deal with the consequences of her own decisions on her own. (same applies to Spacey). By you helping her and being her BF is not going to make her miss you. Detach. Work on yourself. Leave her alone. Give her space and time. Don't jump when she calls. When the OM is NC and totally out of her head, then if she's willing you can talk R. Until then work on yourself. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.
Her pain and healing is hers to deal with and she needs to take ownership of that. Do not come to her rescue. That weakens your position and frankly looks pathetic in her eyes. Take a stand and stay detached. I know it's totally counterintuitive, but it's absolutely necessary at this point.
Be strong. Keep your chin up.