1. Emotions. I agree with your tip about emotional recognition. I've been doing that, even just doing some voice journaling on my cell phone recorder talking about how I feel, why I think that might be. What I've found is even if I think I'm unreasonable to feel that way at the time, it makes sense in retrospect. Not that I have to empower and enable those emotions into action, but at least I can validate them and learn what they are.
2. Addiction/sex. Agreed again these are symptoms. The book actually talked about how destructive 12 steps is for sex/food because these are things that are ok to partake and enjoy, and stated it is when they are used to escape that they become a problem. I did that with porn and sex so it was an issue, but the way to face that issue isn't JUST to stop my behavior, but to learn to feel my emotions and manage them.
3. Delusions. You're right, I'm not delusional. My therapist told me I'm not. He said I can get very 'busy minded' as an escape. I also have the habit of setting wildly expansive goals (best pool player in the world, run a corporation, etc.) to stay busy and focused so I'm not distracted with my emotions. While I didn't hit those goals I went a long way, but meanwhile my M broke down.
So while I have some serious areas to grow, there is nothing broken with me. In some ways that's scary. Because if something is broken I have either 1) an excuse, or 2) something I can 'work on' that might make me better. It's scary because I know I am 100% accountable, and the fact is there may be nothing I can do to 'fix' myself. That means I have to deal with feeling the way I feel right now, not making myself so perfect I don't feel this way.
And how do I feel? Overall I've been having good days, having fun, staying busy, and appreciating what I have been given. At the same time on the quiet of a Friday evening I can tell you I miss having my W's love. But I'm going to face those feelings 'sober'...
Thanks for the reply and warm wishes to those in a similar spot this evening.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
