Finding my way - part 5

[Meghan]

Thanks for the feedback, all. The email was frustrating, but it was also a bit of relief that it didn't sound like everything was coming up roses for H. Not that I want him to be unhappy - I really don't - but I do want him to have cause to realise more about what's gone down here and maybe even his role in it and some of the issues that I have, which is clearly something he's going to have to come to himself.

Maybell, you're correct that the email he sent me was longer than what I sent to him, and I'm not feeling quite the same pressure to respond or to get it just right this time around. Pilot, I'm considering not replying at all right now - if nothing else, I'm going to give it a bit more time and think about what needs to be said, or what I want to say, if anything. No big rush right now.

My parents have come to visit for two days. They wanted to see me and to help me clear out my apartment, get it in order and more functional, and really make it mine again. We've moved furniture, donated a car load of stuff, hung things on the walls that have been waiting for forever, and taken out a bunch of trash.

There have been tough moments - finding books H. gave me or the fixings for meals that we'd planned to try together, and more generally feeling like I'm scrubbing him from my life by getting rid of his stuff - but on the whole it's been good. It does help me feel more in control, like I have my own really good life (in which I can actually do things again), and as though I'm detaching a bit more as I go.

I'm not giving up on the possibility of reconciliation, and I know there are still going to be a lot of rough moments going forward, but I have no desire to stay stuck here waiting for something that may or may not happen when I can just as easily be living my life.