She said the only thing that she is for sure right now is that she wants her own place to figure out what she wants in life. I let her know that the kids where not looking forward to living with the OM. And that our friend ship would be affected by this. Letting her know that if they moved in together that I would still care about her but the relationship of ours would now be on OM to take care of.
We where cleaning out one of the sheds and the wife took a phone call from OM. This upset me emotionally. I said some thing towards the fact that it was rude to take the phone call while I was there and me and the kids should leave. That I was not emotionally ready for her to talk to him in front of me. I told the kids we should leave. She got mad and said she was not being rude because she walked away with the phone call. But she needed to take the phone call because it was some thing that she needed to know from him. I took a walk down the drive way and calmed down. And explained why I was acting that way. And explained how it hurt my feelings and why.
The OM shouldn't bother me so much because I know he is just a fantasy. And I am the real thing. I see our friendship growing every day.
Which do you want.....a friend-ship or a marriage-ship with her? I think you are wanting to use what you are calling "friendship" as your vehicle to carry it back into the M. But here's the thing, if she is not living with you and she's considering living with OM, I seriously doubt she is seeing any sort of relation-ship with you the same way you see it. B/c she is wanting another man in the position you had in the home....and b/c you still want to call the shots about her not talking to OM in front of you. It looks more like you wanting to control her.
You reactions made you appear weaker, instead of confident. If this happens again, don't stand around telling her how the kids will feel or what you should do....just do it. "Get your things kids, we are leaving".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As long as the OM is in the picture, your M will not recover. The affair is going to have to die a natural death at this point. Your job right no is to leave her with a good picture of you, one that she could return to when her A ends- and it eventually will. You are the father of her children and the natural best choice to be her husband. Of course, she can't see that right now. She's in the fog and this OM is who she considers to be her "soulmate" right now.
The two people in any affair of this sort are very selfish. They may say they care about the other person, but what they REALLY care about is how that other person makes THEM feel. It's selfish. Eventually, the other person will start to have conflicts with your W, and since they are both selfish, and are looking for perfection from the other person, it will begin to unravel. Most affairs blow up in a couple of months to a couple of years (sooner if they are closer together and have more time to disappoint each other). When that happens, your W has to have good last memories of you. Many folks make the mistake of shutting the door on the WAW by being disrespectful and hurtful and may never get their spouse back (if they even want them).
I suspect that this OM won't be able to meet all of her needs, as you can now that you are improving your relationship skills. For certain, he cannot provide her with a complete home as the father of her children. You have the advantage here whether you realize it or not. Sit back, be the bigger person, and wait for the OM to blow this up for you.
BTW, what do you know about this guy? Is he married?
Thank you so much Sandi. Like always you shed the perfect light. That is what I was thinking about after I wrote it and read it back to myself. Trying to conrol her. Backslide but it won't happen again. I'm not upset about voicing my feelings because that has always been one of my down falls. Thank you so much for everything
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
HS, thank you I needed that. More then you'll ever know! That is kind of what I've been doing. Finding out what I was missing in the relationship that he is providing. That seems to be listening and listening. Being there for her on an emotional level. She is entering into a very stressful time of her life. She starts full time nurseing school on Monday. Has to figure out a work schedual that fits in there when she is not at school. To support her needs and the kids needs. She also has to figure out a schedual for her to spend time with the kids (who will be last on her priority list) and get them to and from school and activities. He can't provide that for her. I am working very hard on improving my skills as far as relationships go. With the whole world.
Thank you so much for taking the time!
What I do know about this guy. Is he has never been married at the age of 38. Close once. Has no kids. Is a silver tongue player according to friends and family. His own personal family does not like him. Except for his mother. Witch by the way would move in with the two of them if they got a place with them. Witch the wife is not looking forward to. Because she would be the person to give her care while she is going to school. Apperently they have already broken up once. There is a ton of red flags about this guy from what my MIL has told me. He is a musician in a band. Works as a stuwardest on a plane in Alaska. Very spontaneous person. May have a seperate life going on in Alaska.
Last edited by 3kids; 08/21/1405:50 PM.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I don't know how to think about this. Me and the wife just meet with the realtor about the short sale on the house. Sounds like a great plan for us and we might walk away from it with nothing lost, except for some bad credit. Witch is great news. There are some problems. The wife doesn't have to move. Witch is great for her since she is starting school. Less worry, less stress. And she isn't forced into moving in with OM or me. One problem is, did I just prolong this misery for myself. Second problem is did I give them more time to live in there fantasy world.
The bright side is that at least I have a couple more months of living close to my kids. Easier for them and school. I give her more time and space. I give the OM more time to show the real person that he is(witch he is already doing from what she told me last night, by pressuring her). I give myself time to grow. More time to GAL. More time to improve my relationship skills. And last but not least more time for her to see the great guy I am. Witch she knows I am by her comments and doesn't believe one person can change that fast. Plus it makes her happy and that brings me joy.
So the positives out way the negatives. Plus my weekend without the kids I get to take the oldest to a baseball game tonight with my friends. And tomorrow I get to go to one of my friends forty birthday party. With paintball in the morning and lake side the rest of the day. Where the wife and kids might show up at. So maybe I'll get to see my kids on Saturday also.
Good day! Bring on the patience patience patience!
P.S. Can anyone name some really great relationship books?
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Hi 3 kids, it sounds like a good day and a good weekend planned. Paint ball and a ball game, it sounds great. And you have reason for hope on short-selling the house, which (btw, a 'witch' is a green woman riding a broom - smile) sounds hopeful. Thanks for posting the good news.
I have seen a lot of changes in the wife lately and I hope they are good signs. Last Saturday her and the kids showed up to the party I was at. Although she made several comments that she should leave the party she stayed. She even had to leave the party to take care of OM mother. She said she gets paid to do this(whatever). She said it would take a couple of hours. I told her to leave the kids with me and she could return later. She excepted. After one hour she gave me a call and said I got done early is there anything that you need before I come back. She stayed the entire night.
The wife started school on Monday and was very nervous. I was her cheerleader. She called me both Monday and Tuesday to tell me about her day at school. Tuesday evening we had orientation for S12 at school. The other two kids where being watched by mom. All the kids told my mom that the next weekend that they where at there moms that the OM was going to be home. And that they where going to have to meet him. So they had come up with plans to spend the night at friends houses so they wouldn't have to meet him. My mother was very concerned about this. And said I have to say something. I thought about it long and hard and said to my self that this was not he right time to discuss it. To be a little more calm about it. The kids after the school event wanted all of us to go out to dinner. I said sure and named a good place to eat. During dinner we made small talk and she made comments about the food that she had tried there before with OM. I think trying to get under my skin. So stupidly I brought up the kids stuff and how they didn't want to meet him. And I didn't think It was a good idea. If they are not ready that she should not make them. This of course was taken as trying to control her. She said the kids where just playing both sides of the table. Blah blah blah. She even offered to ask the kids what there feelings where in front of us both. Stupidly, trying to be right. I said go ahead and let's ask them calling her bluff. Of course she didn't want to because she said the kids would take my side of it anyways. I ended the conversation by stating you need to think of the kids and how this is going to affect them. Her last comment was effect them or you.
We finished by going through this kids supplies for school and she laid down on my floor and acted like she was sleeping. The kids offered her to spend the night. Which she hummed and hahed about. I recently borrowed a bed from her. Because at her request I do. She made a comment last week that if she needed to stay at my house she was not going to sleep on my bed of an air mattress( which is what I'm using at the moment). The kids then started and argument and she said the kids would never act that way at my house. I replied that that is not the norm at my house either. And discussed my ways of controlling there anger (new way of dealing with them has been working great for me). She was leaving and I was having a cig with her and all of a sudden we hear screaming. I run inside defuse the situation with out any anger. 180 for me! I turn around and she is standing by the door with a big smile. I walk her to her car and she is almost waking right on top of me, like shoulder to shoulder. I must have mistaken it as a sign and asked if she wanted to go for a walk with me some time and it backfired back in my face. Dumb!
Wednesday we had the S5 and D9 school orientation. The wife came over from work and was going to go in her scrubs from work. She thought it was no big deal. I mentioned that she looked so beautiful the night before and said she should do the same tonight. She said ok and ran home and I picked her up. Wow she looked good. We went to the school did some flirting with each other. And one of our old friends from way back that must not have heard about us came to talk with us. She has how we where and how school was going for the wife and made a comment. She stated "trust me you are going to need your partner when you go through school to handle the rest of life, your lucky you have a great one." Something changed in her. After a little bit she said this is all to much, I validated. But she said she is going to stick it out. We finished up. And I dropped them all off at her house. She made some comments about her family wanting to spend time with the kids on my weekend. I said sure but if it was doing something fun I wanted to join in. She didn't like that idea. I said my good byes and left.
I know I am suppose to be the bigger man here but am I wrong about the kids and seeing the OM. I know in her eyes she has to see if it's even possible for them to get along with him. But I think it's just wrong.
Well with that all said any help or comments are greatly appreciated.
P.s. Got a day off tomorrow and running away for some piece and quite. Don't know where but just leaving!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
The realtor said we need to clean the property up a lot. Mowing and other stuff. I don't live there, the wife does but I said I would take care of it today. The OM is back in town from Alaska maybe today or yesterday. He might be at the house where she is staying he might not be. I don't know. All I know is the wife is planning on introducing him to the kids this weekend.
I really don't know how I would react if he is at my old house with my kids. My question is this. Should I ask her when I call to let her know I'm coming if he is there or not? Or no matter what go out there. I would prefer not to ever meet this OM. If at all possible! The way it sounds from family and kids they are not getting along the greatest right now as it is. Constant yelling and argueing on the phone with each other (the wife and OM).
What should I do. Please help!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Was at the old house last night. Wife and kids where there. No OM. Was working on some stuff for the realtor. Kind of ignoring the wife and she came to me and started talking to me. I asked how she got the kids to school because Thursdays are hard for her with school. She said she brought them. I said how did you do that and make it to school. She said she didn't go. She said she spent time with OM(he is back around this weekend). She said she had not been feeling well. I offered to take her in. And asked if it was emotional or gut problems. She said kind of both. Said she is so stressed out with every thing. I validated. Saying well I know you skipped school because of him. But please don't make it a habit. You are number one in my book and should come first. She said wow that is the first time you have ever said that. I said well it is the truth. I continued working all night on the stuff. And every time she came out to smoke after that she would find me on the five acre property to talk to me. I would stop what I was doing and focus on what she was saying. One of the key things in the beginning was she said that we never even did stuff together even as far as working around he house together. So I made it a point to ask her when I was out side working if she would like to join in on some of the stuff. All night long I did not seek out any attention from her at all. She came to me. I even flirted a little with her. In the three hours I was there, she probably came to me about seven times. Which is a lot of smoking even for her. Just some behavior changes from her.
She asked if I worked this weekend. Which is odd because she knows I do. And she doesn't forget stuff like that. Asked if I could set up another doctor visit for the oldest. Which is a 180 for me, I always didn't do that stuff. I feel like she is always testing me. We did some small talk about her school and the kids. Just tying to be the man I should have been. And any women would be crazy to leave.
Patience patience patience!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Found out that the wife and OM are taking the kids camping last night. Apparently OM is some type of wilderness man from Alaska. The kids where unsure about it because they don't really want to meet him. Have a bad feeling about this. Can't detach enough. The way I feel is she is seeing how it will be with OM and the kids. Trying to replace me. Just have this gut feeling that papers are coming next week. After this weekend with him. Sunday can't come fast enough. So I get my kids back in my arms.
I have only started (2 months in) DBing. I think I started to late. After five months of hate towards her. She sees change in me and commented on it. But I think it's to late for anything. I know the changes are made for me and I am happier. But would also like to save my marriage. Hs said I have to let OM blow it up. But I don't know if he will. Feeling lost today!!!!
Positive words would help out a lot.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
