Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

Thanks, HopeTex. I'm wondering if I should hire a DB coach. If it's not too late. Like, today is our anniversary, and I want to text or call Mr. Gritty and say something to let him know I remember the day, but am not sure if that is appropriate or not.

In my inbox this morning: an email from the mediator, canceling our appt "due to illness."

A REPRIEVE.

I figure any delay is good, gives H more time to wake up. Gives me more time to become a strong enough person to develop a backbone.

I have a real problem dealing with the anger of others. I realize that in the last decade I started to back down whenever Mr. Gritty became angry. Especially if I feel insecure about something.

Whereas before I would just withdraw from anger or get defensive, now I do both AND spiral into a deep black hole of fear and self-disgust, like I deserve this anger because I am bad.

An example:

During our first mediation I turned in my expenses. Stuff Mr. Gritty did and said:

• He got angry and raised his voice
• "What the hell! I don't make that much! You obviously can't add or subtract."
• "You've got a huge wakeup call coming!"
• "Our community property state is pretty damn clear and there's no way you're gonna get more than I even make!"
• "You're just trying to punish me for the affair, but a no-fault state doesn't care!"
• "And it wasn't even really an affair the way most people consider affairs!"
• "You're just loving being the 'victim' here, aren't you?"
• etc.

At that point in time I felt

• SO guilty,
• Like people would believe this story!

All the while thinking,

• I am bad at tracking money.
• I always hated being the family accountant because I wasn't good at it
• I do make mistakes.
• In fact, any mistakes I've made here will be evidence of me "padding" my expenses and will prove his point, oh no!
• And he still doesn't realize that I've forgiven him, of course I forgave him, how can I prove I've forgiven him?,
• Am I making too big of a deal about the affair? Would other people think so?
• I do feel like a victim, maybe I'm portraying that to people, I hate "victimhood" in other people, I am such a hypocrite!
• etc.

So I got defensive, which was a waste of time.

It gets so very busy in my head. If I would just stop and focus on the business at hand, if I would just stop distracting myself with my insecurities, I know I will be better off, whether or not he goes through with the D.

As I prepared the financial statements again for the new mediator, I felt the anxiety build until it was overwhelming. I knew he would get angry, and my belly filled with fear whenever I thought of it.

I lined up some professionals behind me to help me stay strong in case I am weak like this. An atty can come to mediation and sit with me. The financial people will always go over any proposed settlement before I sign it. And they can check my work for errors.

I've got a C to work with me. I'm journaling, praying, meditating. And now I have a reprieve. More time to work on me.

Tonight I celebrate our anniversary by myself. 27 years ago today I promised "For better or worse." Last year I thought cancer was the "worse" but I had no idea. Who knew?

This year I learned that "worse" is betrayal and abandonment. "Worse" is the body of the man I've loved for over 3 decades walking around with a stranger inside, operating the controls.

There are other worses in other lives, but in my life, this is the worse.

Can I ride it out? 27 years ago today I promised I would.

I want to call him and tell him this, but I know that would be pursuing.