Can you tell me why

[dawgy]

Anyone care to weigh in their thoughts on why my W has become sooo hostile towards me . I have several theories but that would be mind reading right ? I know im supposed to pretend i dont care but it is really bothering me . For the first several months after i found out about the affair she was kind and considerate and was very supportive even though she was ripping my heart out . Then progressively shes gotten shorter more distant and sarcastic . just down right I hate you kind of demeanor . I did nothing different except early on when she was being kind i was clingy , needy and pleading to her . Ive employed detachment and GAL and now shes seems to totally dislike me . What is threasoning behind this . She told me she wanted to leave several weeks ago . I told her I didnt want her too . She said she was going to and dint want me to let the cat out of the bag about her affair . I told her I couldnt do that , lying for her to save my marriage was one thing but to lie so she could leave was not going to happen . Do you suppose this is why she seems to dislike me so much .

[Joe1981]

Maybe guilt, maybe your guess that she's mad you won't keep covering it up. Maybe both.

I'm not much help there. I vote that you focus on yourself and try to ignore her moods.

[Spacey]

Just a guess, but it's possible that she's been unhappy with her life, and has decided that it's your fault. I know that somewhere along the line my wife decided that I should be able to make her happy -- not participate in her life in a way that enhances it, but actually be the source of her happiness. When I couldn't live up to that expectation, she became aggressively disappointed (and verbally abusive), she punished me (again with verbal abuse, but also by withdrawing), and she became increasingly disillusioned with me.

If she's unhappy with life, and you're a central figure in her life, she'll blame you. If she's unhappy with herself, and she sees you (as my wife did (and maybe still does) me) as an extension of herself, she'll blame you. If she has unresolved issues with her father or other male role model, and she sees you as the dominant male figure in her life, she'll, again, blame you; also, if she has issues with her parents, and she's seen you as a parental proxy. There are really no end to the number of roads that will connect her unhappiness to you, so long as you're a major and central figure in her life.

[Hoju]

I would advise against telling anyone about her affair, you don't have to lie and cover for her but you also don't have to broadcast it to the world. Simply avoid the question and if it comes up just say something like "you should ask her about that".

From my experiance my W also got very mad and hostile towards me as I began to detach and GAL. Her exact words were "why don't you hate me! You should hate me! This would be so much easier if you hated me!", the more pleasant and validating I was the more mad she would get. The anger is coming from a place or fear and guilt. She knows what she is doing is wrong and she is looking at you to blame for "pushing" her to this, if you are nice and understanding she has a much harder time blaming you. She is also fearful of the future and the better you start to look the more that fear of her making a mistake grows.

Good news is it's only temporary continue to detach and GAL in a few weeks she will come around and be more courteous to you as she begins to take responsibility for her own actions. Do not mistake this as her looking to R though, she is still a very long way away from that.

[Spacey]

Oh yes, that's a good one, too, Hoju. She may be looking for you to actively fight her and push her away, so that she can justify her actions to herself. She doesn't want to be the bad guy in this.

She might even admit it to you, one day! My wife did:

I am sorry. I will always be sorry. I never wanted to be the bad guy or the one to do that to you.

As you know, she hasn't come home yet (or rather, hasn't let me come home yet), but she no longer rages at me.

[CaliGuy]

Dawgy .... dude I get it. I read .. might have been DB DL .. hell maybe here or another book (I have never read this much in my life to be honest) That the anger and spew comes from them needing justification from you to continue what they are doing. Its so hard for them to be out and with the OM/OW who they have painted as the "Golden Ticket" and painted the LBS as the reason for everything that has gone wrong in their life...... surety while they are in the fog they will not look internally and realize they chose the A ... its easier to remain in the A when they can justify how miserable we make them and basically forced them to this.

[lovethehub]

All of the above are reasonable explanations, or she could be ticked off that you are finally becoming the person she wanted you to be...you will never know. Focus on you!

[u-turn]

Putting yourself in her shoes, (my situation too), I can see how the stress and guilt of keeping this up could cause the hostility and emotions.

Think of how emotional and wrecked we have been. Now think of what she could be feeling to have "caused" that and still feeding that fire. Now add the fact that they are dealing with two "relationships" that are chaotic. Seems overwhelming to me.

She may have the new car scent with the OM, but that cannot cover up the smell of the body in the trunk. (sorry - excuse my poor excuse for a "funny?" analogy)

My W told me several weeks ago that she felt that she has lost herself because of all of this. She actually felt like she had no power (even though I was thinking she had all of the power at that point).

She was being pulled by me and the OM. She wants out of both at times. If I knew what I know now, I would have just validated what she was saying. But I probably added to her stress.