Keeping it real

[Spacey]

Hey Zues, sounds like we have some similar personal issues. I grew up with an angry, sometimes aggressive father, and was told all throughout my childhood and adolescence to "do what I say, not what I do" and to "not be like your father". I learned to burying my negative emotions, to denying my anger, and to disconnecting from my feelings.

My wife was also angry and aggressive, which really caused me to retreat from my negative emotions. It really reinforced my bad emotional habits.

Very often, I don't even know when I'm getting angry. If I'm upset by something, I don't know why. A little over two years ago I started seeing a therapist, and it really helped (unfortunately, I had to stop seeing him for financial reasons, but once I'm working again...). Slowly (very slowly) but surely, I'm starting to identify that thing that I feel when I feel slighted or abused as anger. I still have to tell myself that I'm feeling angry (kind of like when you start to learn a second language, and you have to tell yourself what you just read or heard in your own native tongue; I have to translate my negative feelings into English to understand that I'm feeling them), and very often I don't tell myself until after things have died down, but at least I'm making progress on that front. I'm hoping to get to the point where I can say to myself "you're starting to feel angry right now".

If you're as disconnected from your feelings as you say, I can't recommend this strategy enough. Just tell yourself how you feel. If you think there's something you should be feeling, given the current circumstances, but you don't believe you're feeling it, tell yourself that you actually are and see how you react. Don't pussyfoot around with weasel words, either. No "I should be feeling happy right now". That's a judgment call, and you've no need to get judgmental with yourself. Just tell yourself "I'm feeling happy, because..." or "I'm feeling angry right now, because...". Have that discussion with yourself.

Then have it with your support network.

As for the addiction stuff... What I'm going to tell you isn't the majority opinion on addictions. It's not exactly fringe, but it's not common core, either. It's certainly not what you'll hear at most major 12 step programmes.

I'm not an expert in addiction research, nor in addiction therapy. This is just my interpretation of addiction through my socio-political lens. Just to put that right up front.

Addictions follow from escapist activities. They're not, in and of themselves, the problem. They're just the symptom of something else.

There's nothing wrong with porn (well, issues with the industry notwithstanding). There's nothing wrong with sexual fantasy. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. You're not watching porn and self-pleasuring because you have an "addictive personality". You're doing it because the chemical rush that comes from it is acting as a band-aid for some other issue you're trying to avoid.

Also, for the record, this:

It says there are two kinds of needs for sex. One is the need for emotional connection, expressing love, sharing. The other is addiction driven, need for a mood altering rush, one based off control to avoid emotional intimacy or fear of rejection.

is some seriously sex-negative tripe. Sex can definitely enhance the emotional and social connection with another person, and that is most definitely a basic human need. There are a ton of other reasons to want or pursue sex or sexual activities, though, and they're not "addiction driven".

Yes, sex can be used as an escapist activity. So can eating. So can watching TV. So can taking long walks on the beach. No one goes around demonizing gyms for driving addiction. This is pure sex shaming, and it's not healthy. It does nothing but blame the symptom, and distract you from the underlying problem.

You've found a resource that lets you blame yourself, and which contributes to society's demonization of sex and sexual gratification. Throw it away. It's telling you that your symptoms are the problem.


If you were truly living in a fantasy world, I don't think you'd be here. There may be some harsh, hurtful, or scary aspects of reality that you're running away from, but before you continue to believe that you're suffering from delusions, go talk to someone who is qualified to diagnose such a thing. My wife (and her sister), when she started to go through whatever it is that she's going through, had me convinced that I was completely disconnected from reality, and that I was delusional. My therapist said otherwise. It took months of me not believing my therapist before I realized that, of the four people involved in all of this (me, my wife, my wife's sister, and my therapist), only one of us was actually qualified to diagnose me as delusional, and he was the only one of us who was saying otherwise.

Remember, when you're sick and you sneeze, it's not because you have an unhealthy obsession with sneezing. You're not fixated on snot. The sneezing isn't the problem. The symptoms aren't the disease!

You've managed to reduce your porn consumption. You're trying to cut down on the amount you engage in sexual fantasy. If this leads you toward seeing women as whole human beings, who are just like you but with a couple different body parts, that's absolutely fantastic. If you're focusing on your "sexual addictions" as the problem you need to deal with, however, you're just going to find yourself chasing a new dragon.