Sho, you might benefit by visiting my thread. Our situations seem to be similar in that my W was claiming OM was just a friend and I had no clue as to their true relationship other than knowing they were still in contact. I decided that I was no longer willing to remain in an open marriage and stated my boundary to W.
Do not file for D unless you are absolutely sure that's what you want. Once you 'threaten' it, you look like a fool if you take it back. Trust me- I did that several times before this past week, when I finally felt like I was 'there' and ready to follow through on it. Even then, I issued one last offer to W- work with me and give up all OM contact or we will begin D discussion and we will no longer be friends.
No one can answer that but yourself, Sho'. Your "I will not remain in a marriage where my wife is still in contact with her current OR former affair partner," --you either meant that, or you didn't. That's either really a core boundary of personal integrity for you, or it's not.
Assuming it IS, then all you can do is let your wife know that you meant what you said, and that "you both have decisions to make." (you handled the whole convo very well, btw -- good job)
In my own case, it took filing for divorce for my wife to understand I was serious, but that's NOT why I did it (nor why ANYONE should). I did it because I really MEANT that part about "I will not live in an open marriage," and my wife -- for two months -- continued in an unrepentant physical affair even after her husband and her adult family members all knew about it.
We can debate strategies and tactics all day, Sho (and as you probably know, I've been pretty clear that I wasn't on board with the whole "let's continue the Plan A thing and show her how wonderful I am" thing.) But we're beyond that now. You've stated your boundary, she's lied to you and then told you to your face that she has no intention of respecting it.
The ball's in your court, but the game is far from over. I do think she loves you, and you have a long and strong shared family history together -- including the past 8 weeks or so of REALLY showing her the best Shodan. You've got to hold on to the hope that she will see that, even as you begin to leave her behind.
I hear you. I know if she ended this A we could work on our M. We really have had a lot of fun together, which I know is confusing her. She even said last night "today was fun but what does this mean for tomorrow and the future?" I said "I know that we will have ups and downs, good days and bad days, and then more good than bad. But we cannot even go that direction as long as you have any contact with the OM."
I need to take this one day at a time. Just back off, be pleasant and treat her like a neighbor.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
