Just a self pep-talk here ... as much as I think I am detaching ... I know I am not. My moods hinge on contact from her, I do not chase/initiate contact but when she goes dark, it bugs me ... when she texts... depending on the subject I can feel indifferent .. of elated. I go for 2 walks during my work hours ... I use these 10 minutes walks to pray, to really talk to God ... someday I feel connected and at peace ... others not so much. I notice its worse on the days I dont see her when I drop off S, if she hugs me in the morning it just makes my day... again proving to me that I am not properly detaching as I am so affected by what she does.
So today ... nothing from her till about 2:30 W: Getting excited!! My campaign is all lining up to launch in 9/2!! Thanks for bearing with me and my stress levels
I replied ... but waited till well after work around 5 (180 and trying to detach)
Me:Thats great! I'm sure it will be a huge relief for you to finally be done with that campaign
W:Its very big for the company Me:That will look good for you, something you should be very proud of
One of her issues was that I never showed that I was proud of what she has accomplished .... I know I was'nt, I used to but then she started rubbing it in ... and I felt trapped .. had to keep a job I hated because she lost hers and bounced around for the past 5 years. .... something I have let go of, and I found a much better job for me.
I am debating on a big thing (for me anyways) .... just received a raise, I went and got a motorcycle license, and am thinking about buying a Harley ... this will upset her no doubt ... my birthday is next month ... last year she gave me a card .. first time ever she did not say ILY in it ... OM was in the picture but I did not know it .. anyways .. I never do anything for me, never spoil myself .. part of me thinks I deserve this for the hell she put me through .. for busting my ass and having nothing to show for it as she took all the furniture ... MLC selfishness full blown ... I would have done this all different having the DB tools that I have now ... anyways .. I know by getting the bike, it may push her further away ... maybe I wait a bit .. maybe I dont .. not sure what I want to do just yet.
