Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

There's a lot to think about here. Self-identifying as someone who could use AlAnon is kind of scary for me.

I'm editing here... interesting how we invent stories about ourselves and it takes a crisis like this to make us see what of those stories is true and what is wishful thinking. I had always told the story that I was delightedly married to someone who was the best possible choice of husband out there and I was lucky to snag him so young or someone else might have. And that he was lucky to snag me because I'm so incredibly competent and supportive. That I come from a totally normal family with only a couple of asterisks, and that I had married into the same. All those things are sort of true... but not really true. The asterisks are bigger than I thought. And everybody I know has some big asterisks. And neither H nor I is quite the catch we'd thought we were. The world is better AND worse than I thought before all this happened.

* * *

I took my kids out to lunch today and we had a great time talking about the interests we've been enjoying this summer. They are thoughtful, funny people.

My daughter started really acting up just as we were starting out, but I held my ground and as she wanted what we were doing she settled down after a minute. As we were walking to our destination I put my arm around her shoulders and said "I just want you to remember how much I love you." She had started to jerk away when I first touched her but when she realized what I was saying she nestled in close and actually walked a couple of blocks with her head on my shoulder. I was so relieved and we have had a great afternoon.

On the way home I started getting tensed up thinking about H (kids were talking about him and we visited a place near his apartment) but I remembered "There's nothing I can do about it today" and a story I read today about how trying to force something can cause you to lose even better things.

I know, I'm pretty thick, Labug, but I got there eventually.

All will be well.