FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

I had a good talk with shrink Tuesday. She told me – once again – how good I am doing. “Are you actually aware that you have been doing this way for several months now, Fartiltre?”
Good talk…I will continue down this path of mine.

TALK WITH W
Today I met up with W as planned and we talked for 5 hours. Long talk – time simply vanished!
All was pleasant and nice. The first hour was just smalltalk about work and so and after this W pulled out a calendar and we talked about planning the next year. That stopped and we changed the subject to D7 wanting to spend more time at my place
I can’t remember all we talked about but here is the headlines.


D7
W told me she has been thinking a lot and that she can’t make up her mind.
I grabbed this opening and told her that this is the exact way I have felt so often and that is the reason for me to ask for a little time to think. Earlier on she has been very mad at me for this but today we had a good talk and she understood my POV. We laughed a little about her getting so angry when I have asked for thinking-time and then doing the exact same thing herself

W told that she was very hurt by D7s request. I understand why, I would have felt the same way – and I told her so. We then had a good talk about focusing on the children’s needs and not our own. I believe that W has looked at me as one that focuses entirely on his own needs until recently and that she – today – changed that view. I actually believe that she tried to see things from my perspective today.

We agreed on me having one more day with D7 every second week and then some unscheduled days as well. I am very happy with this solution and W seemed to be as well.
I fear that S11 won’t be because over the past half year he has loved the days he and I spend alone. Therefore I told W that I will give the agreement a thought and have a short talk with S11 before I decide finally.


FRIENDS
W wants to be friends. ”I know you told me last year that we can’t be friends but I do not want to be your enemy.” I told her that we will never be enemies, that I only wish her the best, but also that we can’t be friends. She then argued that there are many levels of friends to which I agreed and then left it hanging.


SHIFTINGDAYS
We had a short talk about the days where we pick up the Ds at the others place, attend something and then drop them off again. W now thinks I am right in this being hurtful to the Ds so we agreed that this has to stop.


ROUGH YEAR
W told me how hard the last year has been for her. She cried when telling about not knowing what to do, about being sad, about her feelings for the Ds, about feeling lost, about not knowing anything about the future, about the loss of family and dreams…many things.
I simply listened and validated her feelings.
She has a clear picture of me doing very very good. I told that I am but that I have been through many of the feelings that she described and that I can very much relate to them.

She told me that before she moved out she had it all planned. She told me she had a clear picture of what kind of XH and father I would be and then said “but none of what I expected happened”
She told me – some directly and some in between the line – that I am doing great, that her friends are very impressed with both of us….and so on.


I TAKE THINGS FROM W
W feel that I have taken things from her. My friendships with “her friends” Hs, one of her friends, my relations to neighbors (She lived at our house before me), things I do and so. I told her that I understand (and I certainly do) why she feels this way. She told me that I pop up all around in her life because I am doing so many things. She told me that she stays away from certain places and people because I go there.
Before I said anything she continued…”but then I ask myself. What would I have done if I were you….and I would have done the exact same thing. I would build social relations in the local community as you do”
I assured her that I was not out to take anything from her – I am only trying to give things to me. She understood. I also asked her about her visits at “my friends” and her coffe date at my brother and SIL – I believe that put things into perspective.
Never the less – she have this feeling.

She told me that I do so many things with the children that none is left for her…she feels like it is a competition but she doesn’t want to feel that way. Once again I told her that I understand and continued with telling her about all the things she does.
We agreed on this not being any kind of competition – just two parent doing different things and with two different perspectives on the matters.

She told me that going skiing with the children is her idea and when she heard that I was going this year she thought “Now, that as well”. She told me about wanting to go to the movies – but I had already been there.


I DO TO MUCH / DO I EVER RELAX
W still has this picture of me dragging the children from here to there and doing things all the time. I told her what we have been up to and that her picture is not exact. I told her about my goal of doing one thing out of the house every time Ds are here and how well it works for us.
We had a good talk about this – I told her that I have the opposite opinion; that she does things all the time.
Case is that we might both be right and wrong


SPORTS / ACTIVITIES / SHIFTING DAY
Once again we addressed the issue with the shifting day. The talk was nice this time.
I used many words and tried to explain my POV on this one and I believe W understood a little more this time.
I told her that we view this from two different perspectives. I do not see how the girls act at her place and opposite. I call from what I see at my place and she does the same. She agreed and told me that she is working on accepting that she can’t call things when Ds are at my place. I told her that she is right but that I will always listen to advice from her concerning the Ds – as long as she tells me them in a proper manner.


ANGER
I brought up her anger-issues. (She gets very angry when I decide other that what she thinks is best.)
I told her that I get so sad when she attacks me with things like “Don’t you want what is best for the girls”. I actually started crying while I told her. (The feelings just hit me and I normally never cries.)
I told her that I have one goal and that is to do what is best for the girls so her saying the opposite hurts like he77. She totally understood. She agreed and she apologized.
I told her that it has gotten better over the past two months or so but also that I hope she will keep on working on this.


EXPLAINING TO THE Ds
W have been trying to explain to D7 why adults split up and I believe that is soooo wrong. I told her nicely today and she didn’t understand but when I explained to her that D7 tells D5 in her words why split-ups occur W listened and understood.
I told W that we should stick with our old explanation (none) and if she needed help on this I suggested her a child book about the subject.
She gladly accepted and understood my POV


CHILDSUPPORT
She asked if us changing D7s days at my place would mean that I would apply for a cut in childsupport. I told I wouldn’t for now, but that this might change in the future.


D7 CLOTHING AND WEIGHT
We had a long talk about D7 being boyish in her clothing and about her having a belly.



The talk was nice, calm and pleasant all the way through. No anger shown at all and not one harsh word. When I cried W took my hand and when she started crying the second time I did the same.
She still seems gone. She talks in absolutes: “The girls will have to live with this for the rest of their lives”, “It might be that it is better with two parents in a home, but I am sure that this is not the case about us”
She sees the changes in me as everyone else.
She is still wearing jewels from me
No hug on arrival but a big one when I left
Still no signs of any OM

I felt relaxed and honest all the way through. My listening and validation skills are on a totally new level in general and I am pleased with that. Validation is easy when you understand.
I totally understand her feelings and thoughts and I understand why she wonders WTH is going on about friends and stuff I do. I have done that for a long time but it seems like she is getting an understanding of me as well.

I feel like I am in control of me and the situation. I communicated my POV on some matters that prior to this led to W being angry. Today she understood.
She still views my stand on the shifting day as wrong but she understand my POV – otherwise she actually agrees with my POVs. Makes me think “WOW” – time, patience and a little added communication skill certainly makes a difference.

I have no clue if this is a step towards or away from possible R but I am 100% certain that this is a MAJOR positive in regards of co-parenting. W ended up suggesting that we schedule a talk like this in November so we did.
Since I had no expectations when I entered I feel good

I am seeing me, W and the world in a totally new light these days. It feels great!
I still want R (perhaps even more after today) but I will be fine!

(I do know the above contains a lot of mindreading but this is my interpretation of the talk)


After the talk I had a session with my tri-coach and then a good run in the forest!

Splendid day:)