One question I do have in regards to full transparency- does this apply to her having access to my 'stuff' as well? I don't know that I've ever seen that addressed on here. I know that she was the one that had the A and that it's about rebuilding my trust in her, but does it come across as punishing if I have access to her email, etc, but she doesn't have access to mine? For what it's worth, I don't have an issue with being open with my phone/email. Just curious.
When I suggested to my wife that I would need "proof" she remarked something back to the same effect, I looked her straight in the eyes, unlocked my phone and handed it to her. Doing this showed I was serious, also proved at any given time ... even after almost a year of being separated I have nothing to hide. So in my opinion, I think its fair, if trust is the issue .. it does go both ways as far as I am concerned ... sure DBing is GAL and being mysterious ... but its not like I had 30 women TM me either, I choose activities that I can enjoy, ones I would not be ashamed to include her or my S in later.
Several email exchanges in the past couple days, but basically here's where things stand...
W asked about coming over last night to hang with the family (cake eating). Told her I would not 'play house' while she took baby steps to see if her feelings would return. Told her they would not unless we took the necessary steps (MC, no OM contact, etc). She did not come over, but instead used that as an example of why she's upset with me (I'm not willing to work with her). Told her this was the final time I was asking her the question of how she'd like to proceed and any attempt to change the topic, avoid it or not respond would provide me her answer.
W responded saying that she did want to work on things and she would have no problem giving up OM contact, which is why she had asked me what the first step would be. However, our email exchange (me not being willing to budge) was giving her 2nd thoughts again (shell game continues). She's planning on picking the kids up tonight, then after we get them in bed, asked if we could talk.
So a decision WILL be reached tonight. Any lack of commitment on her part when she walks out the door tonight will reveal her true feelings on R and I will be prepared to start D process. If she wants to work on us, I have a list of marriage friendly MCs ready and the no OM contact plan prepared.
I still get the feeling she feels 'pressured' into working things out- financially, family obligation, living arrangements, etc, but I seem to recall Sandi saying she felt similar when she first came to this board.
W responded saying that she did want to work on things and she would have no problem giving up OM contact, which is why she had asked me what the first step would be. However, our email exchange (me not being willing to budge) was giving her 2nd thoughts again (shell game continues).
Your answer to this position should be "I understand; this is very difficult on all of us. But this is what I need in order to feel safe in the marriage again following your affair." (and do not budge)
I should have clarified- me not willing to budge on 'allowing' her to come to the house and hang out as 1 big happy family. I knew her motive behind it (see the kids and animals, not me) and what would happen if she did (she'd leave without bringing up any R talk). I simply wasn't having it.
Starsky, not to put the cart before the horse, but so that I'm fully prepared, I'd love to take you up on the offer of helping draft the letter W would need to send to OM.
Unless you have a template, my high level thoughts are basically W needs to tell OM that she has decided to work on her M with me and will need to cease all communication immediately. This includes phone, email, facebook, etc. She can't include any 'I'm sorry..' statements. Anything else??
I'm aware that she needs me to approve and send it.
Starsky, not to put the cart before the horse, but so that I'm fully prepared, I'd love to take you up on the offer of helping draft the letter W would need to send to OM.
Unless you have a template, my high level thoughts are basically W needs to tell OM that she has decided to work on her M with me and will need to cease all communication immediately. This includes phone, email, facebook, etc. She can't include any 'I'm sorry..' statements. Anything else??
I'm aware that she needs me to approve and send it.
Tar,
You can google infidelity affairs "no-contact letter" and get several good templates. It should be brief, to the point, and CLEAR. Something like:
"Dear _______,
I am writing this to tell you that from this point forward, I need to end all contact with you. This includes not only in person, but any phone, email or text messages. I've decided to try to work on my marriage with Tarheel, and I know that our affair has been very hurtful and disrespectful to him and our family.
I would ask that you respect my wishes in this, as my husband and I have a lot of hard work ahead of us if we are to repair these wounds.
(Wife's first name) -- no "Love," "Sincerely" or anything else.
But that's just me. Do google other templates and find something you think is appropriate. The important thing is that it NOT contain anything like "While I enjoyed our time together, I now realize . . . " or "I will always remember you fondly but . . . " -- nothing like that. I purposely used both your first name and the "my husband" part and the "a-word" in order to be painfully honest with the man about his contributions to the damage to your family.
I purposely used both your first name and the "my husband" part and the "a-word" in order to be painfully honest with the man about his contributions to the damage to your family.
Is it not a good idea to add the other 'a-word' too?
