Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

Thanks, Labug.

Before yesterday I thought I was communicating clearly and that I was seeing a lot of contradictory things clearly. I didn't realize how I could be seen because I know what I was trying to communicate. I didn't realize that my own warm & cool spells were confusing to my H. I think also I try to anticipate way too much what he's feeling and so I'm not sending out a consistent message because I rely on him knowing what I've told him. IC reminded me that with ADD the brain works really differently, and even without it H isn't likely to think like me if for no other reason than he's a man and I'm a woman.

Contingent communication... well, IC has said more than once that I need to be more direct and ask H what he means rather than try and decode him, so in the short term I guess what I'll try to do is that, and also to be more consistent and positive in my behavior towards him so that until he learns to see me directly on his end, at least the inputs he's getting more nearly resemble the message I want him to get. It's a tough pattern to see for myself, let alone to break.

H really challenged me on that text. He said sarcasm is a terrible way to fight. Unexpectedly I burst into big tears, biggest I've had since MC, and said, but I wasn't being sarcastic. I really meant it. I really meant, is it necessary for your happiness to be gained at my expense?

So when you say a boundary has been crossed... yes, but it's a boundary that we all knew had been crossed four months ago. I guess the difference was, I was so frustrated with my D and not having anybody to hand her off to so I could go and calm down, that it all just bubbled up and I felt like I needed to say it because his absence was making it so much harder to be the parent I want to be.

I will back off and let him parent. I did talk to my daughter about pushing him a little harder about the fresh food in the house and planning for things to do for herself so she enjoys her stays with him more. I feel like she needs to be empowered to speak up for herself as well. The kids tend to just take what he offers and then come home to complain. They need to talk to him.

Thanks very much for the feedback. I'm interested to see how softening my approach changes things, if only just for me.