Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

Feeling so scared today. Next mediation appt is mañana.

The fear has been building, even though I know: fear is just me trying to escape an outcome my mind has imagined.

I talked to my sons, they are glad D is happening, they believe it is the only solution, because H is a "hurtful stranger" and "emotionally abusive."

Whenever they talk to me like this, I always tell them:

• H is in MLC; he is confused and lashing out and I have compassion for his turmoil.
• I do not intend to be a doormat.
• If I'm hurting, it's because I let myself be hurt, that H can't hurt me if I don't let him.
• No matter what, their father loves them and needs them.

My defense of H is automatic, I don't need to think about it, my words are so well-rehearsed they come out of my mouth without any effort on my part whatsoever.

I need to stockpile well-rehearsed pep talks for me, not H. I am a child of God and I have no reason to fear anything on this planet.

And yet my belly has been hurting for days.

My strategy tomorrow: somehow keep the road home paved and clean while protecting my rights.

• I'm getting my hair done, will wear a nice dress. Maybe put on self-tanner tonight.
• I will Act As If I am confident, firm, and resolute.
• I will maintain the attitude that I do not think D is the right decision, but I respect Mr. Gritty's feeling that it must be so.
• I will bring in my proposed expenses, which seem so godawful high, and put them on the table with a straight face. I deserve this much. This is half of what we spent back in the days when I believed my marriage was a good one, back when I believed we were happy. Back when I felt like all our years of being so frugal had finally paid off and we were taking trips and enjoying life.
• I will not be intimidated and if I do feel intimidated, I will say so in a non combative way.
  • "I'm not feeling confident about this direction we're taking."
  • "I know you will understand my need to review this with my atty before I decide."
  • "I am feeling confused about how this is best for both of us; it might save us time and money in the long run if my atty was here to explain it to me."
• I will take a deep breath before I speak, whenever I speak.

And what if he cancels the appt? Or says, "I've changed my mind! I don't want to D!" I have rehearsed responses from Starsky that I've found in these forums:

• "What has changed for you since our last meeting?"
• "It's a lot to think about and things aren't that simple anymore.”
• "We both have some decisions to make, and I have a lot to think about.”
• "I don't want a divorce, but I won’t live in an open marriage.”

I am so scared. Why? I dislike this fear! Why am I holding on to it? I must let go, in more ways than one.