DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[Spacey]

Oh good! I was rooting for them! It sounds like there are quite a few positive tangibles to come out of that, so way to go! And on top of it, you've eliminated one of the countless anvils your wife is holding over your head.

Congrats, Joe!

[Joe1981]

Yeah, I may have to start rooting for the real Mets now, since the metaphorical ones came through for me. But yes, it took away the big, immediate anvil. I'm sure there are more to come. And a lot of other obstacles. Before we even reach the point of collaboration on fixing things and the rocky and difficult path that'll be, if we get there.

Cautiously optimistic about my M. Confident about my ability to handle life going forward. Starting to feel like a grown up.

[Joe1981]

Things have been peaceful, but not great right now. Ok is a good descriptor.

As I said earlier, we got past the huge obstacle of where our son goes to school. So she no longer has the urge to bolt immediately anymore.

I think now she's just trying to decide what she wants. I'm not try to mind read, but I am trying to evaluate progress.

Last night she texted: "It's weird that we just avoid each other"
My response: "I don't avoid you. I'm giving you space. I'm not trying to be all up in your business. "
W: Gotcha
Me: I'd be happy to spend time w/ you.

Thoughts?

[labug]

Sorry labug, that was a response to Spacey, your post came in as I was typing, I think.

The part you quoted was about her plans if our Son doesn't get to go to a different school than the son of the OW I was hanging around in May and June. Lots more details on that stuff up thread.

Spacey: the Mets won.

The good news, my son gets to go to the nicer school, closer to my work and away from the OW's son. Now, I know this solves nothing, but it does remove what my W viewed as a deal breaker in our chances of piecing.

As labug said, I've still got a lot to do, and more changes to make/make permanent.

I know I've got a long road ahead still and it's going to plenty bumpy, I'm sure. At least the giant boulder is off of it now.

I just needed more detail on the whys of the school issue being a dealbreaker. It wasn't a crazy whim on her part, she has good reasons for not wanting her son in the same school as OW's son.

Thanks for filling in the blanks. You seem to be doing OK. How do you feel about your progress?

[Joe1981]

Pretty good. I'm getting into much better shape. Weight loss will get moving again with the routine of the school day on not constant access to the kitchen.

Excited to start playing soccer and meeting a whole new group of people.

My most current puzzle is how much to do in trying to woo my W. I don't want to beg, plead, pursue in the pathetic way, and I don't want to just start jumping into R talks. That said, I think it might be time to do some work on winning back her heart.

We've achieved friendly, constant D talk has slowed a lot. She texts and calls a lot more now. Still mostly about kids, but much more small talk and telling me about her day.

All of that and her text last night make me think I should begin "courting" her. Probably subtly at first.

Romance has never been in my skill set, so I've got work to do on creating those feelings. Not looking for over the top. Just want to see if I can create a spark or two w/out being obvious.

[labug]

What does she like?

What's her love language?

[Joe1981]

Acts of service, gifts, quality time.

I think maybe a few little gifts may be a good place to start.

Acts of service have been a huge part of the progress I've made so far. She almost never has to vacuum and I've cleaned the bathroom the last few weeks, I even dusted last weekend. I've been making dinner for us together again.

So that's where I am. Just looking for the next steps.

[Joe1981]

Another day. Peaceful, did mom and dad stuff together, but nothing more.

Patience. Things aren't going to turn over night.

[labug]

What sort of gift are you thinking of giving? Again, what does she like and how do you know she likes it?

The AOS is a good start.

[Spacey]

Oh man, as you're already well aware, gifts can be tricky. When my wife was going through the I-hate-you-and-everything-that-you-do stages (the last 6 months or so before she finally walked away to be with an OM), there was no quality, nor no quantity, of gift that was good enough. She disparaged everything that I did, and everything that I gave her as "too little, too late".

When her birthday came around, I almost sheepishly gave her a vial of nail polish. She was overwhelmed, and thrilled beyond belief. OM had totally blown her off (he had to "prepare for his job interview"), apparently got her some generic card or something, and blew up at her for wanting him to spend time with her.

It was like I had come to the rescue. Shame it didn't last more than two or three days, and three weeks later I was homeless, but, you know. Ups and downs.

Anyway, the point... Before you get her anything, see if you can't nail down her expectations at this time. Once you have them figured out, exceed them, but not by too much. If you exceed her expectations by more than a little bit, you run the risk of triggering a skeptical reaction. It won't seem believable, and she'll choose not to believe it.