Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[HopeTex]

Had a good chat with my DB coach Laurie just now. She was supportive of me dropping the rope, and the way I did it.

Laurie liked the empathy I showed in validating W, Laurie thinks this serves to release pressure and allow W to relax and open up to me, instead of feeling that I am always angry and judgmental about what she is doing. Laurie suggested I should look for signs of this, and also look for ways to validate W again. Not for me to initiate R conversations where I validate what she is doing in our R, but just me looking for ways to validate/affirm W if I see her doing some good with kids, for example. When W sees me validate her on something "small" like that, it gives her a clue that I am no longer spending all my time and energy being hurt and angry at her. I can accept and care about W even if I disagree with what she is doing to our M. It shows that I have moved to a new, detached, GAL phase. I may still strongly disagree with her current desire to end M, but I have evolved into acceptance and detachment. Shows that I can still care for H even when she is making decisions that hurt me. Laurie says that his type of mindset is Healing, Hope-Giving and Attractive to a W. Much more so than when I just am Angry and Judgmental.

Laurie says that this is NOT giving up on the M. It is just Trying in a New Way, for a new season and phase of our R. Hopefully now that I have dropped the rope:

I will feel better and stronger
I will be more attuned to W
I will no longer be so much of an anger target for W
I will be more attractive to W.

Even if she decides in the end to D, she will be divorcing a person she is more attracted to and feels much better about.

Laurie says to keep an eye on how fast W moves forward with her D work. It could be that now I have dropped the rope, it removes the battle W was fighting with me. Now that I have given a green light, W has to face and ponder the reality of actually going thru with it. Just a new world for her to grapple with. Her actual behavior will tell much more truth than any words she has said.

Laurie suggests that I give W the D workbook but then let W do the work, I just sit back and provide input if W requests. My most realistic optimistic goal is for W to dawdle and delay and have second thoughts, so my strategy is to do everything to make that possible. In other words, I will not nag her about Where are We on this D Stuff? But if she initiates D conversations then I need to participate and be cooperative.

Gotta run and GAL! Movie premiere with friends!

Love you guys.