i'm gonna say up front tht i'm with ya sister about the "simplify" and be grateful thing. maybe add have some (modest) hope about future.
i am grateful for the truly simple tiny little things that seem to really make up my daily life and everyone's for that matter. if I laugh hard with the kids, get some sleep- even take stock daily of my life - which is more privileged than most - and i do know it- and i do appreciate it. (maybe knowing also that that could end any moment- any day- (and likely might) makes it all the more good today. idk- goin with it anyway-
I miss my mom being there- she was my entire life - but i feel the freedom from stress of knowing every day that i was responsible for her and where her memory loss was heading and if she'd make it thru the day okay (a real concern when 89, ill, etc) it's sad - a mixed thing.
i find i do not dread the future- somehow in background of my mind- i assume things "will turn out okay". just on their own- in general. sounds crazy- but i find i still have most of my generally optimistic attitude (at least when i've had sleep) and not really "thinnking" about "it".
believe me when i say- you're not forgotten, i'm just my (lately) unfocused and feeling a bit overwhelmed self- the switching locations & introducing extra people 24-7 always seems "busy' til i adjust. kids are great but wear me completely out - for the day.
just when i'm getting adjusted- it's gonna change next week . i do really not like that aspect of my life.
if i ever could feel comfortable and able to change it- i would. (final decision to live one place or the other- finality of fulltime job- etc.) also if i could figure out - bottom line really - what the heck it is EXACTLY i want and am willing to sacrafice to get it - i'd be doing good.
i think h could go on like this forever - even tho i find that thought impossible to believe. who in their right mind would want it?
as usual- sos with me.I like that you say (very generously) that i am figuring things out and it makes me feel reinforced.
bad news is that what i figure is that i am surrendering the need or supposition that i have to even try to control stuff, h, anything really. i've figured out that the things in life that are the truly important - are beyond my control and even understanding(mostly). And really that i don't have to figure out and analyze - just leave it alone - it's "unfigureable" and if i do not address it- it usually slides by. I am soo better at that all- biting my tongue - not asking - comfortable a bit more with not knowing and not thinking i've got to know and got to be "responsible" and in charge and making decisions and monitoring junk and keeping everyone happy. (me included)
it takes a hell of alot of pressure off ya- knowing you are normal and it's okay not to know. don't mean to sound defeatist - but as tings proceed here - i'd say my current take is that this is "it". as things are- as h is.
i'm not sure what the exact definition of that is. FOR ME - FOR THE MOMENT - as long as i don't have to incorporate a giant change in life rite now (emphasis on rite now) - i can go along with this til i am "fully cooked".
I can see that things are much better than a year or two ago between us- h still has his "moods" and i am not used to that - tho it's waaaaay better than when he was cold and rotten 24-7. i am not "affected" by him so much - i do not care if he's mad or pi$$y - it comes and goes. sometimes he seems normal like old self. of course, ow being "there" in his life somewhere would be the deal breaker ultimately. can't even think about that at the moment.
if i ever heard anything positive from him about r or me , or what i mean to him & his life) (and no-i do not ask, talk about it or go there) i might be able to feel alot for him again. (i'm speculating here) . As it is, i am in neutral and cannot allow self to feel any kind of major affecton for him. I don't feel like i really know him anymore. i am not sure i really like him anymore. he is kind and pleasant mostly- he does not go in for overt affection - i miss it in life. (he was never ever really goopy and affectionate - but waaay more playful & affectionate) believe me. i can see why people get dogs.
i'm croakin here on that count. i have patience- alot of it- but really, i can't imagine if i'll make it "to the end". whatever that will be. oh- i see, whatever comes will and whatever end is going to occur- it will. no real need for me to know or do huh? well yay- because i sure do not.
I probably should do it (get a dog) - but still feel too unstable. i read that average person needs 17 hugs a day- ha! i'd kill for one. oh well huh?.
playing with the kids is great. i feel like an addict (of affection/love) trying to reform. it's hard to let go- this cold turkey (h - ha, get it) (him bein the turkey) is killin me.
you are sounding good - i agree with simplifying. idk why the " junk" seems to symbolize my past life and alll the confusion and madness.
i sure do not need the "things" either. A car that runs is a very very nice thing to have (don't care if it's old or not). and a roof over my head - and I do like the garden too. most of the rest of the "stuff" crucial to anyone's life - i'mnot caring toomuch.
i'm getting so darn good about living in the moment- i'm finding it hard to think forward or backward most days at all. i may be going too far the other way- but i'm not going to worry about THAT - either. it's the worrying that i'mnot worrying enough. wtf???
I am glad for a few friends - it's not quite as satisfying as having your own "mate" in life - but maybe i've been spoiled and i don't get that anymore. my sisters are pretty much all at odds with each other and me.
it's a very "destabilizing" thing- to have your mother die and then realize these people you thought you cared a ton about- and they about you- are actually hostile. that's a tough one. i'm getting better with it tho.
the whole notion that my entire life has changed and is changing - that all the most important people are either dead or going -
workin on it - doing okay in general i'd say. makin today count - afterall - i might be dead tomorrow? rite?
hope any of that made sense- i think overall i'm hanging in there alright. you sound good too- it sure is a day by day thing- life.
xxoo i will really pick up that stupid phone some day. i did say somewhere, didn't I, that i have trouble making plans and commitments? idon't know really what that is-
my horrorscope said it " you need to know you're free at every moment - you don't do anything with that freedom- but you have to know you have it". it was a very astute observation of me personally.
i'll go do tarot cards (bought them for al ark) it's funny- they keep saying "have patience" and so on.
after about three times of advice like that- i decided to read every single card to see if that's what they alllll said. but no, there are others - so who knows??? i'm askin ya-
i believe God can happily coexist with any other God, orn otion of him- and a wholw universe of unseen -unknowable things- maybe even fairies in the garden??? ya gotta wonder
