Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[HopeTex]

Just had a very interesting conversation with the W.  It followed a pretty tough nite, for me, tossing and turning and questioning.  

She came into the master to get ready for the day and I asked if she had some time to chat.  I told her that I was sorry that she was hurting, and that I didn't want a D but it was pretty clear that she did.  I said that I did not want her unhappy and so if she really wanted a D I was willing to discuss that with her and to help her move toward that.  I said I might not agree to everything she wants, but that does not mean that I will be stubborn and try to stop the D.  For example, I am not going to just move out of the house right now without some type of agreement in place, but that does not mean that I am not willing to discuss a million other things on the table.

She focused on the moving out issue, and insisted that I was not being honest with why I had that position, she said I must have gotten that from some conversation with somebody since I changed my mind so abruptly a couple months ago.  I repeated that one reason is that I am committed to the M so I am not going to leave, but then I did also explain to her that many people did talk to me about the legal downfalls of a H moving out, and that is also part of my rationale.  I said I wasn't going to move out without some type of legal agreement in place related to financials, custody, etc.  

I suggested that the next logical step was for her to find a D counselor, D mediator, or D lawyer to help her gather all the needed financial info and begin to put together a proposal.  I mentioned I had a Divorce for Dummies book with lots of good guides and forms for thinking all of that through.  I said that if she did all of that work on the front end and we could come up with a basic agreement, we could save $ on lawyers.  

At the risk of mind reading, as we talked she seemed to soften and get a little sad.

I told her that I wasn't going to stage a big fight for me to stay in the house, I explained that I just didn't know all of our finances well enough to know what was going to be possible, and I wasn't sure whether either of ous could afford to keep the house.  She said she thought that she could afford to stay in the house, she vaguely mentioned that she thought that if she got a job she could afford the house, and also mentioned something about letting me have our savings in exchange for her keeping he the house.  As I have mentioned before, I am skeptical that she can afford to stay in the house without a huge ongoing subsidy from me.  But I didn't question her about the details of what she is envisioning financially in a D settlement, I figure those type of details and assumptions will be tested as we move forward in looking at the numbers and discussing proposals.

When I mentioned that I was still committed to the M, she somewhat criticized that as just a story I was telling myself and others, that I wasn't facing up to reality, that I was miserable too and that I want out too. It was clear she doesn't like being seen as the one ending the M.  She said "You are miserable too."  I calmly said that yes, I have been unhappy, but that I still think there is a chance to work things out, but that I can understand if she doesn't think so.  I told her that I had done a lot of soul-searching in the past several weeks, and that I can see even more clearly how I have contributed to some of the problems.  She seemed somewhat interested in that but did not inquire.

She said she had heard from our mutual family and friends that I was telling people that I was committed to M and that she was the one who wanted out.  She expressed that that was somehow a fantasy story, and that her real fear was that I would tell our kids that.  I told her that it was not a story, it was very true that I did not want out of the M even if I have indeed been unhappy too.  But I assured her that I know full well that that is not what you tell young kids, that you tell kids that it is a mutual decision.  She seemed relieved.

I validated her by telling her how even though I personally don't think D is the right answer, I have done a lot of thinking recently and can understand how she has come to that conclusion after so much time in pain.  I told her that I knew that she was doing what she thought was best, even if I didn't agree with her conclusions.  I told her I wanted her to be happy and that I knew she was doing what she thought was needed to achieve that.  At that point she got very sad and said "I want you to be happy too.  I just want everyone to be happy."

Then the kids woke up so the conversation ended there.

So how we left I suppose it is that I will get her the Divorce for Dummies Book and she will start compiling the financial info.  I think she will probably work on that for a while and have discussions with me before consulting with a L.  I am going to be cooperative but also will let her do the work.

This is very fresh so I am not entirely sure if I am doing the right thing here.  But it does feel right.  It feels good to have things out on the table, to not be totally in the dark worrying about what she is going to do next legally.  And it did seem to open her up and get her talking and sharing.  I think she feels more seen and accepted.  And now she can start delving into the financial realities of D, which might give her pause.  

I am not real optimistic that she will change her mind prior to D, but I think that me being detached, cooperative, validating and "acting as if" probably provides the best chance, and it will also increase the chances for a decent working relationship post-D. 

I am feeling pretty good right now, although I imagine a wave of sadness and/or fear about moving forward to this next phase will hit me sometime soon.