Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

Claire, thanks. D11 has been the primary recipient of my DBing efforts. Generally to good effect. But this parenting thing is not for the weak.

[Maybell]

Claire, if you're out there... What changed for you? How did you back away from done?

I'm having a hard time seeing how I'd be better off with my H than without him. The things I miss about him are fun qualities but not necessarily life partner qualities. I used to say that he had a better opinion of me than anyone in the world (and I returned the sentiment) but that's not true anymore. I have a hard time remembering anything great about him at all. All I see at the moment is disengagement, selfishness, and lack of support.

When you were ready to quit did you see anything good about your H? What made you pick up the flag and soldier on again?

[Maybell]

Hm. H just sent an apology text. Says he's had a very trying week.

Didn't see that coming.

Wonder what I'll do about it.

Nothing at the moment. S6 climbed into bed with me in the middle of the night and has been grinding his teeth something fierce. I'm still angry. I can't respond to him thoughtfully right now. So best to keep quiet.

I'm still unsupported except financially (and don't think I don't value that). We could have been relief to one another. It didn't have to be like this.

[LisaB]

Oh Maybell. Just when you think you are going in one direction, the wind changes, doesn't it.

Glad he sent an apology. He owes you more than one.

Hugs, Lisa

[Eatsma]

Maybell,

Sometimes I think that we have to break the whole thing down before it's time to rebuild. Maybe that's where you are.

I definitely feel like I'm changing, too. This is a process.

Hugs.

[Meghan]

I'm glad your H. apologized, but I'm not sure that having a trying week is a valid excuse for not checking in after your daughter had a meltdown, and it hardly excuses any of the other ways that he hasn't lived up to expectations.

I'm not saying don't take the apology - it's certainly better that he apologized than if he didn't - but do keep looking at your feelings. I was struck my your point that "It didn't have to be like this". That's really simple, but so true - it sounds like he hasn't given a lot of really important support for awhile now, and things need to change if this is ever going to work in a way that supports you. You know what changes need to be made and what support needs to be given, and I hope he realises it soon too.

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^

Wise words from Meghan. Accept the apology and keep thinking. You are seeing so much.

[raliced]

Maybell,

I apologize if you have already addressed this on one of your threads. Would your husband be receptive to going to counseling for the sole purpose of setting up a more mutually beneficial co-parenting plan? I was considering this (outside of MC) myself - just because the communication with H is non-existent right now. Maybe a neutral third party pointing out some more reasonable expectations for him might help (and poke him into being a little less selfish) and would ease your parenting burden right now.

[Maybell]

Raliced, that's a good suggestion. I don't know how I would go about suggesting such a thing. He is willing to help if I'm really specific about asking him to keep the kids but he doesn't step up on his own. We have never been able to develop a discipline strategy together, it's always been me setting policy because I have kids 90% of the time and then telling him my thoughts. He HATES conflict and would rather let D11 have whatever she wants than risk her melting down.

I don't remotely know how to solve this problem because to me the first step would be him developing enough steel that he can handle pushback from his children. I'll have to change the way I see the problem to solve it but I'm having a hard time digging myself out of my current perspective to reframe.

I ended up sending a text saying "I'm sorry you've had a trying week. I have too. I hope your meeting goes all right."

He sent a text back telling me a little about his meetings and apologizing for missing back to school night. I didn't answer.

[stacey9]

Hi Maybell, Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all these issues on your own. It must be so tough. H's can be so selfish. For what it's worth, I think you are doing an amazing job and seem to be a really strong person. No wonder you lost it with h, anyone would do the same in a similar situation. I am furious with my h as he is away for a weeks vacation with the ow, he never told anybody (only that he'd be gone for a few days), and he's missing yet another important hospital appointment for s18.

Sometimes I feel if I continue to be nice and friendly with him he will take this as a sign I am okay with his current situation?

take care of yourself x