Yup, my H had the seeds of an EA already planted (by probably a month or so) at BD, and I even said something to him just days after BD about thinking he was interested in someone. Something like 'Yeah, I know it's stupid, but that's what I thought.' I clearly remember he sat there like a deer in headlights, and said absolutely nothing. That should have been my first clue. Turns out I was not stupid at all - I was dead on. But it took me about 8 months to finally dig up proof. The Internet can help you, and it can seriously hurt you, too. He was flabbergasted that I figured it out myself. I told him 'It was easy. I was your girlfriend once.' Pow.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Oops, it was supposed to be “dropping by”, not “drooping by”, LOL. Crazy spell check.
This is so hilarious to see how they are surprised that we can figure them out after these many years together. My H is so easy to snoop on. He is so predictable. This doesn’t work in my favor though, because I’m very curious and investigative person by nature, so it is hard for me to resist the snooping. I should have been a detective, because I have some intuition that quite often leads me to the right things, and I have no clue how that happens.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am having a great deal of trouble just being polite to H, now that he has begun the D process (lining up a mediator, who I have not set up an appointment with yet). In order to make this happen, I have to cooperate. How on earth do I go against EVERYTHING I really want to say and do? I would make the world's worst actor. I want to scream at him and tell him how angry I am at what he's done - torn apart our life of 21 years, seeing someone else for the past year while he is still married to me. How does one be nice and polite to someone you want to scream at? At bomb drop, that's pretty much what HE did, while I sat there, shocked, and listened, and cried, and tried to make sense of what I was hearing. I have yet to actually get angry in his presence. I feel like a volcano about to blow, just like he did. I have to do things that are the very last things on earth I want to do (talk to the mediator, make decisions on what I want, spend LOTS of attorney money, etc.). I simply don't know HOW I'm going to do this. Maybe mediation is not possible for us. He keeps acting like we're friends, and we just have to have a few friendly conversations, and then go out for a beer. And if I don't act like that, he's angry again - as if I'm still his faithful wife by his side who is supposed to 'support' him. If I don't, it just reinforces (in his mind) that I 'don't care about him, and only care about me.' I have 'stood' for a year, and put up with the crap he's said and done, and was still willing to take him back, even after all that, OW included.
Mediator is on vacation this week, but after that, I can no longer stall. What you all talk about - lovingly detach - I just can't even fathom now. Am I done standing? I have so little respect for him now. He's like an angry drifter, blaming others for his troubles, lost, with a half-empty apartment...
My God, some of the stuff I read about that some folks on this board go through - really, impossible for me. I guess I just think I deserve better, time's a wastin', and a person shouldn't treat me this way, MLC or not.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Hi LN, We are in a similar place right now, LN. I'm the same age as you, M the same # of years as well. My W started the D process after agreeing the week before to go to mediation and NOT get L's. Then she filed a week after saying she WASN'T going to file. Than 2 weeks ago, she got angry because I asked to keep a clock we bought together and filed a "Final" Decree that pretty much goes against everything we spoke about doing. Now I have to speak to my D14 because my W wants to "make" her split her time 50/50, has mapped out what holidays she spends with who, what time she must be where, all things that I told her I didn't want decided by the court. I wanted my D14 to have a say where she stays what she does, etc. But because she is so afraid that my D will hate her because she was the one to leave, she wants to be able to "force" her to do what SHE wants!
There is no use stalling. I tried that but all it took was one incident that wasn't even my fault and she pushed things. I still don't believe in D and think that it's a huge mistake but I can't stop her. I always thought that both parties had to agree for a "no fault" D but that isn't the case. All it takes is her saying she doesn't want to be married and even though there are no "grounds" I can't stop her or even slow her down! The world has become a place that just doesn't value M. I didn't know how I was going to do it and I pretty much have to take it day by day. There is no stopping them LN. He is bound and determined to destroy the M. My W is trying to erase that the last 26 years we were together never happened!
Get a L. You may be better off with one even if you go to mediator as they can give you advice. My W had her dad pay for one and then told me that I didn't need one as hers would just do everything! Yeah, right! Be careful and protect yourself. I know it's hard but try and see this a business transaction at this point. If you don't he will take advantage of you in the state he's in. He may come out of it someday and be sorry but you will still be screwed now if you're not careful.
My God, some of the stuff I read about that some folks on this board go through - really, impossible for me. I guess I just think I deserve better, time's a wastin', and a person shouldn't treat me this way, MLC or not.
I think we all believe we deserve better. And yes we should not be treated this way. Good thoughts, but where exactly does that leave you? Life is the way it is, and the thing to do is to focus on getting the deal you want from the divorce. This will matter down the line.
Are you interested in the idea of ever reconciling or is the hurt too deep for you?
This horrible process can be transformed into a journey of greater self knowledge, learning who we really are and what we want and what we stand for.
Anger is a good and proper emotion, but not a place to get stuck. Of course you are angry, but what comes next?
Thanks Matt and Bea. I have an attorney of my own, as does H. Both young, and they know each other, here in the 'burbs. Not a concern of mine. I truly feel like H is carrying around a tremendous amount of guilt over OW and the way he dropped the bomb, and keeps saying he wants to be 'friends', that I think he will be fairly agreeable, that is, if I am agreeable. Someone said on this board recently that their MLC'r mimics their behavior -- true here. If I am really nice (ha, right), he is really nice, and vice versa. Come to think of it, our ENTIRE M was like this. And the magnitude of misunderstanding that comes out of it is incredible. H always thought he could read my mind. Still does. Anyway, I digress.
Bea, good points. I am certainly on a journey of my own. Have learned SO much about who I am this year, that I would otherwise maybe never have learned. I am beginning to think that the hurt just may run too deep to ever reconcile. Another quote I just read, about the 'hope dwindling away'. That's been happening for a year now, and I feel like I was on a boat, and H jumped off the boat and onto a raft one day, and has been slowly drifting away. I almost can't see him anymore now. Sad, incredibly sad. I don't think i will get stuck in the anger, it's just that I haven't actually dealt with that part yet. And the fact that I haven't gotten angry to his face - at all - makes me feel like it's still coming, and soon. It has to happen. I cannot just keep all this bottled up inside much longer. I can't help feeling that I will shed a huge weight once it happens. It's not like I'm planning it, but I just feel it all welling up inside now, where I've kept it at bay for so long. And then, I hope, I will no longer be stuck in that 'anger' place. Maybe then I can begin to move on, too...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
A couple of new developments...H says he wants to buy me out of our house. Thumbs up! This is the easiest situation for me; I don't have to list the house, show it, get it ready and keep it clean, pay real estate agent commission, etc. Once our vacation home sells, I'll have enough cash to go house-hunting. Then, when I find one, all I have to do is take my stuff and go. Then he can come back and be here alone, and feel what that feels like. He left almost everything he owns here -- now it makes sense...he was always planning to move back, only I wouldn't live here WITH him anymore.
Also, H was left homeless last month when his sister sold her house. Turns out she and her husband have put an offer on a house that is for sale just TWO houses down from this one. Oh what a nice little family compound it will be. I think I am glad I will not be here then.
Journaling...I actually think I have dropped the rope. He keeps sending these exceedingly polite/formal e-mails about selling assets, etc., and then always has to include something about what he's doing, how great he's doing, something important he did, how did my (fill in the blank) go?, etc. I just don't want to hear about his life! Really, he told me NOTHING for a year, and asked me NOTHING about my life. I just respond to his requests about stuff we have to do for mediation, and that's it. I just do not want the stress anymore, and I am getting very busy with my own life now. I just don't care to respond to the other stuff. I think this is good. I just cannot bring myself to engage in friendly conversation. I guess I have finally given up for good, and the hurt is too much. I have more peace now than I have had in a year.
Just taking it day by day...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
LiveNow, I think you are doing a good job of dropping the rope. It takes a while to learn the technique, but when you do, things begin to change in your life.
As for your h saying he wants to buy you of the house...try not to get too excited until you see the check. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but many of them will say this and at the end of the day, don't come through. I'm hoping he'll follow through so that you can move on w/your life in a new place that you can call your own.
I think you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
About the house - yes, I'm 'cautiously optimistic', shall we say. This house is 2 years old - we built it - in a very desirable area and it would sell within a week, guaranteed. We're having a formal appraisal done so that things will be fair. Really though, he's going to be cash-poor for a while if he does manage to buy it from me. And if he doesn't, my biggest worry will be how fast can I pack up and get out of here, because people will be lining up to make offers. Kind of a good worry to have. He will not get off cheap. I want a fair payoff.
Getting excited as I look at new house listings...I have faith that the right one will come along soon after my funds become available.
I must comment here, again, about Mighty's post on Georgiabelle's thread. It reads like this:
Don't beat yourself up about resentment and all that. I think it is human nature, no matter who you are or whom you are dealing with. If we had know it would have come to this, of course we would have addressed it sooner! Things would be way different. We took for granted that they would be there no matter what. Well, really, I knew I would be and I was committed and that I would never just walk away- especially without addressing something! So, I assumed that he was too. He was supposed to be. He should have spoke up if he felt "resentment" from me- not just bail!
I've been in counseling for a year, trying to get to the bottom of this, why I took my H for granted (and he even spewed this to me during BD, that I did just that). Why I felt that it was somehow 'guaranteed' that he would stay with me, no matter what. It's because I was NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I was staying here, with him, no matter what, and 'til death do us part, just like I said I would do. I never had any doubt in my mind that HE would not do the same. I know now, today, I am not a bad person because I took him for granted. I am crying with relief as I write this. Talk about peeling away more and more layers of this so-complicated 'onion' that is me. He made me feel SO lousy about this, and now, I don't anymore. Just like that. Again, thanks Mighty. I can really move on now. Seems like that might have been the last real hurdle I just was not getting over. It just might be time to start a new thread soon.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Enjoying seeing your strength and growth as I read your thread LiveNow. Keep positive!
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
