Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, that was not very fun at all.

I will try to give a good play by play of the conversation. We sat on the sofa in the living room after the kids went down. W was pleasant all evening, making small talk, etc. so I was feeling pretty positive.

She started by asking how I thought things were going, how I felt about the current arrangement (in-house separation, trading weeks in the master bedroom). I said I was doing pretty well, that it wasn't a dream come true but that I was good with it for now, that I have been making some good progress in personal development and feeling happier. And that I am still committed to the M.


Much to say in too little time. (More later. But a quick comment here and there, okay? NOT to say this did not sukk, b/c it did. But I cannot talk to HER so, we can only help you.

In THIS^^ scenario try hard to think of a car negotiation or a job interview. LET HER come up with the specifics FIRST, as in HER suggestions or HER thoughts about money. Do NOT put a number or opinion out first, let HER take that risk if she is so sure. IT's a tactic but in THESE types of discussions, (as opposed to honest attempts at restoring a marriage) tactics are useful.


She said "this is not working out for me at all, I am very uncomfortable with the situation, it is not good for me or the kids. When you were out of town last week for several days it felt so much better, getting to sleep in the bed and the kids all getting to sleep in their beds, D7 especially slept so much better. I can't do this anymore. Right now I cannot live under the same roof as you. I will suggest again that you move out and live somewhere nearby, that I stay her in the house, and we do a Real S."

I was obviously disappointed, but I stayed calm. "I am story to hear that. I am still committed to the M and I want it to work. But I have already decided that I am not moving out. If you need to then I will be sorry but I will respect that decision."

Good enough.^^^ Considering, actually darn good of you.


W:"But I don't understand why you draw that line in the sand, it seems like you are just being stubborn and trying to prove some point. Like maybe you really want a D but don't want to be the one to file so you are pushing me to the brink where I have to file for D? Don't you understand that your moving out and letting me and the kids stay here is what is best for the kids? Their world revolves around being with me and being in this house. Whatever happens with the M, I will still be the one picking them up from school and spending the afternoon with them, so my having to move out of this house will rock their world more than anything."

QUESTION, IS ANY OF THIS ^^^ TRUE? If so, don't deny. Concede that and THEN add in your other views...otherwise you will seem more in denial or out of touch or stubborn...


Me: "Having their father move out will also rock their world."

W: "oh I know that. Please know that whatever happens I think you are a great father and I value and will def protect you relationship with them, that is so moorland to me. Sorry if it seems like I am not valuing that. But can you please explain why it is in the kids best interest for you to stay here and for me to move out?"

Me: "it is just a decision I have made. I am committed to the M. I have no interest in moving out of my house, where my family lives. If you need to move out you can do that."

Saying "it's just a decision" is like saying "just because"....fwiw

The part about not wanting a divorce AND not wanting to leave the family home makes sense. ITs your family.



W: we are in this together. We are both in this R, and we both made it what it is and got us to this point. So you can't just push everything onto me.


^^^^"THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANNOT MOVE OUT"...(unless she wants to alternate, b/c otherwise only YOU are paying the price for what you BOTH created...)


Me: I totally agree, we both contributed to the difficult place this R is in right now. But I am still committed to the M. If you are in a different place and want to make a different decision that is up to you.

W: "But i am telling you that it is my decision that I can't live under the same roof as you right now, and that the only way we can move forward is with a S, and it is in the best interests of the kids for you to move out. Basically you are not willing to discuss a S, so you are just forcing me to have to file for D. Do you want to have some big nasty D fight over the house, that will cost a bunch of money in legal fees?"

R: I have no interest in D. And if you choose to file for D I have no interest in a nasty fight.

Did you say you are in Texas so there's no point in a legal sep? What about an informal sep? Sorry if I forgot why you can't, but to me it's LESS than a divorce and clearly lving under the same roof is hard for HER so....what is the immediate goal here? ( know the ultimate goal is restoring the m, but for now, what is the immediate solution to all the tension? Why can't you two alternate in and out of the house and let the kids remain?

Just an idea. Shows some flexibility AND commitment to the M.

W: will you please at least consider again in the next few days whether it would be better for you to move out?

R: I am sure I will consider it some more, but I can assure you that I will not change my mind.


NO need to project zero movement. Express your willingness TO CONSIDER her request and then do so. Don't predict you will never change your mind b/c that sounds a LOT like you "will never change", period....

I think this is important.


W: but you aren't explaining why.

Me: I am sorry, I don't think I am going to be able to give you an explanation that will satisfy you.

W: do you understand that you are leaving me no choice but to file for D?

R: I am just making my decisions, you have to make yours.

W: Ok then. [She starts playing with her phone; I get up and say "ok" and head up to my room. A few minutes later she texts me that she is heading next door to hang out with her best friend for a while.]

She sounds resolute and even more convinced you are just being stubborn. You did not do a lot to counter that although thank God you remained calm. But Any time you can undermine that stubborn (to HER it will =controlling) attribute, you ought to try,

not to be a doormat but to look as if you really are CONSIDERING her requests. Remember your earliest posts in which you conceded a lot of these problems are not 50/50 but more like 95/5 with you having the bulk of the work to do.
Today, I'm sure you see it more realistically but it still remains that you DO have some issues she will have to see in a new way

that means you changing and somehow revealing the changes MORE. I don't think scuba and stubborn will be a good enough mix. Scuba and "new behaviors" will...

make sense?