I'm not sorry for snapping at him. At minimum he should have checked in to see if things were calmer. D11 did calm down eventually, even asked me to read to them rather than let them have a show, and lay with her head in my lap for a minute when the boys went up to bed. It must be exhausting for her to freak out like that.
No, I'm not sorry about it. He should hear the truth. Things are awkward because he has made choices that hurt us. I don't need to sugarcoat that. He's beyond selfish; wouldn't even let the kids eat his tomatoes when they stayed with him this weekend, and didn't have anything else fresh in the apartment for them.
I do not need to let myself continue to be hurt by him, though. I've let my PMA and my detachment slip. I was fighting so hard for my detachment with D11 tonight. SO hard. She's worth it. I'm feeling like H may not be. It hurts my boys when I let myself be overwhelmed by all this frustration. They come to comfort me and they shouldn't have to do that. I need to be impervious to H's bad choices for their sake. Life happens. This could be a lot worse.
There are a lot of people on these boards worse off than me and they're doing a lot better than I am. I need to step it up again and remember who I want to be. I don't want to think about being abandoned. I want to feel liberated.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
