1) She's already GONE so your only option is LRT. The infidelity chapter applies if she was willing to work on the marriage despite your infidelity... see the difference? Yeah. You only can do LRT. If she comes back, then there are other options but until then... no flowers, no apologies.
2) Again, she's already gone. You're not going to "talk her back" or "write her the most amazing letter luring her back". It needs to be on her terms. 100% on her terms. This isn't about convincing her that you realize you made a mistake, are making amends and are doing all this work to make yourself a better man. You don't get to make your case. She doesn't want to hear it and you ignoring that request says more about you than anything.
3) I've not heard of the "letter of last resort" and I've read the book 4 times but MWD does discuss changing the method of the message (writing a letter) if your spouse responds well to that. You are NOT at that place yet.
I find it interesting that you are literally skimming the books to find ways to support your chosen direction in handling all this instead of resigning to the facts which are DON'T WRITE A LETTER unless you're not going to send it.
Sit down and read the book cover to cover. If you're going to DB then DB. Your resistance is incredible (and I say that as someone who resists also!). When you actually read the book all the way through you'll see that MWD discusses "doing nothing" as actually doing something. It's the hardest thing to do in your situation and I truly do understand that. Our instinct is to chase, show our changes, make a resume of our fixes so our WAS can SEE how great we want to be for them. That's the problem though... show yourself. chase yourself. show your resume to us and to yourself. Julia is not in a place to receive your efforts. She's just NOT. Your desire to present them is understandable but her lack of desire to receive them should also be forefront of your mind.
