A new day, a new way - MLP Pt. 2

[Eatsma]

Just a quick note to those who are doing the Detaching thing.

Going on a trip with H to the city where OW lives is not detaching. Duh. I could have told me that, but I didn't.

(It was the only way that I was going to get to the ILs summer house....the only way there via plane is through OWs city. Anyway, I picked this, so I get to live with the oogie triggers and yucky feelings.)

NOTE: I have no idea what current relationship status is between OW and H, other than they still work with each other. So....things are a little murky.

OTHERWISE - If you don't have an IC, get one. Now that I'm about 8 weeks in, I have to say that this is valuable time. It is definitely helping me GAL and establish (or confirm) boundaries. It's really nice to figure out that it's okay to be sad, that I'm not totally crazy, and bad habits can be fixed. It takes work, but it can be done.

Hang in there, fellow LBS.

[CaliGuy]

MLP

I am new here but can really relate, was not till I have read so much here I realize that I was wrong about my WAW ... I was thinking it was a BiPolar thing (Her sister and mother both diagnosed) Turns out that could be in play its more about the MLC. She is not even close to the spouse I knew 2-3 years ago and this past year her actions have suprised me and her. Reading your story does help.... just knowing I am not nuts for wanting to save this marriage though I seem to be the only one, she wants out today back in tomorrow .. the mixed signals were enough to drive me nuts but the detaching seems to be helping though I fear it may be to late ... but its all I can do either way.

I hope the best for your Sitch ... and hope the fog lifts for you soon, he has no idea how lucky he is to have you in his corner ... one day we all hope our spouses might come out of this fog.

[u-turn]

MLP
I just read through your thread. Your attitude is very inspirational. Our stories are pretty similar and I feel the pain that you have gone through. I wish I found this much earlier.

Thanks for the what you write for yourself and others (myself included). It really helps to know that I am not alone to listen and be heard, and my feelings are not unique.

[labug]

I read your thread for inspiration! You've got this. I was about to say, I wish I had gotten it as quickly but I needed to go through what I needed to go through to get to where I needed to get.

Detach. Find friends. Get individual counseling. Take care of yourself (eating and exercising and sleeping). Know that the universe is unfolding as it should.

[Eatsma]

labug - it's so funny that you should say that. You have definitely been an integral part of me moving along on this journey!!! Thanks for YOUR inspirational words along the way!

And I can hardly think that 8.5 months is quickly. But that's the thing I think people need to realize...it's so easy to feel defeated and want to quit. I STILL feel defeated sometimes and want to quit - only a lot less than I used to. Detaching, friends, IC, and taking care of oneself does a remarkable job at helping change perspective. And that's what 180s are all about - changing perspective.

Changing perspective is good for us. All of us.

[Eatsma]

Just a quick update:

Back from a week away with the H.

While away, I wandered around the city where he and OW have had most of their dates. That really stunk. But I was there, at his request. And, as far as I can tell, that meant that their interactions were limited to work. Unless they were hooking up at the office during work hours, then it seems that the physical part of the relationship is not going on. Again - I have no idea, but there you are.

We also spent some time at his parent's summer home. It's a lovely place, and we've been going there for years. I would go out onto the deck to watch the water, or the sunset, or what have you. Sometimes he would find me and say, "Why aren't you with me right now?" Ah - detachment! I would invite him to join me where I was sitting. And he would often join me, or go grab his camera and take pictures of the beauty that I was absorbing. Anyway - even though we were together, I found it ok to detach by just being involved with the scenery or a book or something. I wasn't hovering. That is new behavior for me, and it felt ok.

I went to church with his parents while we were there and he did not come. While we were gone, he wrote me a note...it was a love note. One of the things that he wrote was, "You’re a much better person than I am, in general. I will continue to learn from you for the rest of my life in this and many other ways, I’m sure." I really didn't know how to respond to this note, honestly....so after I read it, I just smiled at him and gave him a hug. It did not open up a relationship conversation with me. I just don't think we're there yet.

We went to dinner with his boss the last night we were in OW's city. THAT was awkward, because boss (whom I've known for years) talked about how great OW is at her job. (Me: sit with grin plastered on my face while wanting to throw up. Was he testing me? Maybe. Gah.) But, in another conversation, boss basically told H that he doesn't spoil me enough. "You know what you need to do, MLP? You need to complain more..." he said to me. Ha...no - I'm not a complainer. But it was funny to hear H be told by someone else that he really could treat me better. He knows it.

Did some boundary setting on the trip, where he wanted to discuss the "assets" of some other women. Used to be fun. Not fun anymore. Not going to do it. Sorry, man - you broke that toy. He got very quiet. <sad trombone>

Boundary setting gets easier with practice. I still feel nauseated about it, but it does seem to get easier. My biggest problem is that it takes me so flipping long to process some conversations that I realize, "Doh! That would have been a PERFECT opportunity to set a boundary!" I'm sure more opportunities will arrive. :roll eyes:

So, current arsenal to deal with this situation:
1) Detachment...even though we live together! No more relationship talks. No more snooping. Really no reaching out to him at all...he comes to me. Guess what? He comes to me. And when he does, I'm nice and the best version of myself. I look good, I smell good, and I smile and am pleasant. He sees no tears, even though I still have them.

2) Boundaries. I set them. I have not re-established the "no extra people in our marriage" boundary that I stated again and again before just ending talking about that crazy. But - as I've stated before, I see very little evidence of that relationship right now. He doesn't seem to text or email her in front of me anymore. He has asked me to go with him on his business trips to her city. (He wants me to go on two future ones that he has planned...not really sure what to do about this. On the one hand, he needs to be a big boy and behave all by himself. On the other hand, I appreciate that he seems to be asking for help. Is he showing OW that he's really not leaving the marriage? Really flummoxed about what to do with this.)

3) Prayer. This has become a daily part of my arsenal. YMMV, but I'm finding it quite therapeutic for me.

Next up - really focusing on GAL. This will be easier when the school year starts!

Hang tough, soldiers!

[dawgy]

Love that post Mlp . Always inspiring . My sitch hasnt changed much . Im not sure where her A is is right now . Theres no way to know without snooping or asking . I can speculate but we re not supposed to give the A any space in our heads .

[Eatsma]

Dunno about being inspiring. Good days and bad days still.

Today - not so hot. He sent me a message that he had a headache, and I responded. He then sent me almost the EXACT same message. Seriously - that can't be for me. Whatever - detach detach detach. But yuck.

Things are different. The more I detach, the more I realize that I want more from the relationship than we had before. It's going to take a ton of work. We're not there yet.

I'm also different. This has changed me. I've got a lot of work to do on myself.

So...good times.

[SunnyB]

Today - not so hot. He sent me a message that he had a headache, and I responded. He then sent me almost the EXACT same message. Seriously - that can't be for me.

One night H sent me a goodnight text. He was home oops!

[Maybell]

MLP, you are a much better person than I am. I don't know how you do it.

I got a racy message once that I'm pretty sure wasn't meant for me. It was depressing. Because if it HAD been for me it would have been a fun change in our relationship.

Hats off to you, MLP. Wish I were so calm.