On Sunday morning I found out that H had stayed at OW apt. I texted him & said - "I know where you are. What you are doing is extremely disrespectful to me, our marriage & our family. I know where we stand."
Because I did not know of current status of OW he told me he ended things in June originally. This was my intel that it was still happening.
He called, I didn't answer. He texted with a picture of his place where he stays when out of town. But I knew he had just gotten back. I just said "stop, there is nothing to say."
By that evening - my D5 wanted to call him. After he talked to kids he asked them to put me on the phone.
I told him as I had said before I was not going to live in an open marriage & I would be filing for a divorce this week. At some point we needed to discuss temporary arrangements. I was done. If you read my previous posts - I was really struggling with the information I had, what kind of person he is & if I was becoming a WAS.
He said that he thought we would work things out. He cried a lot - said he hates his life, doesn't know what else to say. Told me he was emailing me.
Sun night he sent me this text -
H: Sam, I want to be with you and only you. The question is where do I start? The issues I have with this life of working out of town is making me confused. I don't even know who I am, I feel like I do not have a home, no marriage, no ties to anything. This was all supposed to be temporary. Now I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like I need to keep running from you when really I need you.
We do have issues, when were we going to work on them? The talks we have turn into arguments and then I go off to work. The reasons I left our marriage are valid. How do we fix those issues when we are far apart? How do we get a fresh start? I'm ready to work on the marriage if you promise that you are in love with me. Show me love, carry me through these horrible times that I'm away from home.
I can promise to you that I have no ties with anybody. Still to this day I can say I'm not with anybody. I will quit communications and anything else that is a perception. There is nothing else better out there, I know that. I'm just scared that we are going to fall back into this relationship struggle.
I have thought about quitting my job to go home. So I quit and our marriage does not get better. I can't live with that question. Trust me, I try all the time to work out ways to come home permanently. This is why I needed space to take all this in. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm not happy with anything.
You are the love of my life. You are the mother of our 3 children. I miss that. How can I enjoy that when I live away? How can I feel content with my family when I live out of a suitcase and a truck. This was not the life I wanted. I'm coming home one day if it's not too late. I need support. "
Me:
I really appreciate you being so open & honest with me.
I understand that you are confused.
I know that your life is hard.
I'm sorry that you didn't feel loved. I never stopped loving you & I know I didn't express myself well enough.
I'm sorry that you feel like our talks turned in to arguments. I don't want to argue with you anymore.
I can listen to what you have to say.
I don't know where we go from here - guess we need to talk about that & not text.
(I basically copied from the validation cheat sheet & just tried to stfu for the time)
He took the day off work Monday & drove back because we had a family funeral to attend. We talked a little last night.
I asked why he stayed at her apt. He said he was too drunk to drive home sat night. ( His drinking is a HUGE problem)
I know that these are all words & actions speak louder.
My thoughts/questions- I feel like he is having a knee-jerk reaction to me finally saying I was done.
He has hurt me so badly. And he again said he wanted to talk about what led us there not what has happened in the past 3 months.
I also now have questions about his character from what Intel I do have. Was I in that much if a fantasy that I had no idea he was up to stuff possibly throughout the marriage?
How can I trust that what he says is sincere? And he's not baiting me to keep me around as plan b?"
I don't even know where to go from here.
Do I suggest a no contact letter & transparency?
If he can't provide I will know that it can't work out for us?
He says this OW is just a friend. I don't believe it for one minute. The PA/EA is not the deal breaker. Deception throughout my marriage might be.
He is not saying "will do whatever it takes." Do all spouses have to say those words? Or is what he's saying above as close as I'm going to get from him?
Anyone care to chime in with how to proceed from here?
Thanks for any advice, thoughts, suggestions!
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
