Wonka, what do you mean gun shy? Gun shy about reaching out to your WAW, or gun shy about re-entering the dating scene?
I have dated several women since Ms. Wonka left and my emotional walls are still up to this day. All because of my skittish fear of the person's ability to be truly faithful and monogamous. It is always in the back of my head. I've yet to fully give my heart to another woman and commit fully.
That is my emotional scar that I'll carry for the rest of my life. This is not to say that I am entirely closed off to The One. I'm leaving it up to the Universe to arrange it for me. In due course, I will open up to complete and real love that's safe for me.
FYI: You're not the only betrayer in here. There are a coupla more around here.
Did you ever read Divorce Remedy? The first lesson in the book is that if you do what you're used to doing you'll get the results you've always gotten. You've got to step out in faith that there is a better way. Trying something different is always going to feel wrong at first. If it didn't, you'd already have tried it.
Can you step out in faith? For your own good?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ok, I'm reading Divorce Remedy. I've reread the Last Resort Technique and the whole chapter on Infidelity. A few things:
1) Last resort says no flowers and apologies. Infidelity Chapter says you can't apologize enough.
2) Page 140 says: Believe none of what you hear, and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
3) I'm not finding the "Letter of Last Resort" that I remember my DB coach telling me about a three years ago.
-DB
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
1) She's already GONE so your only option is LRT. The infidelity chapter applies if she was willing to work on the marriage despite your infidelity... see the difference? Yeah. You only can do LRT. If she comes back, then there are other options but until then... no flowers, no apologies.
2) Again, she's already gone. You're not going to "talk her back" or "write her the most amazing letter luring her back". It needs to be on her terms. 100% on her terms. This isn't about convincing her that you realize you made a mistake, are making amends and are doing all this work to make yourself a better man. You don't get to make your case. She doesn't want to hear it and you ignoring that request says more about you than anything.
3) I've not heard of the "letter of last resort" and I've read the book 4 times but MWD does discuss changing the method of the message (writing a letter) if your spouse responds well to that. You are NOT at that place yet.
I find it interesting that you are literally skimming the books to find ways to support your chosen direction in handling all this instead of resigning to the facts which are DON'T WRITE A LETTER unless you're not going to send it.
Sit down and read the book cover to cover. If you're going to DB then DB. Your resistance is incredible (and I say that as someone who resists also!). When you actually read the book all the way through you'll see that MWD discusses "doing nothing" as actually doing something. It's the hardest thing to do in your situation and I truly do understand that. Our instinct is to chase, show our changes, make a resume of our fixes so our WAS can SEE how great we want to be for them. That's the problem though... show yourself. chase yourself. show your resume to us and to yourself. Julia is not in a place to receive your efforts. She's just NOT. Your desire to present them is understandable but her lack of desire to receive them should also be forefront of your mind.
DB, I said before... LRT is NOT for the wandering partner. It is for the LBS.
Infidelity chapter says you can't apologize enough and that's accurate... IF you're working things out together. It should be noted that HOW you apologize is at least as important as the fact of the apology.
It's also NOT accurate... IF your apologies sound self-serving, if they are made to get the hurt partner to behave in a specific way, or if they have any kind of caveat to them (I don't think you are, I'm just saying)
It's also NOT accurate if the person has asked for space. The request for space trumps the wandering partner's need to apologize. I had some place i wanted to refer you to for that but I can't find it and I don't have it in me to track it down.
But I really wanted you to read the chapter about beginner's mind and 180s. Because you're not doing the Last Resort Technique. You're in a different situation.
That's all I've got for tonight, DB. I want to help you as much as I can, but it's been a rough week and that's all I've got. I hope you can get back on track. I'll check in when things are better around here.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/20/1402:17 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
