I could use some advice. H. just emailed me to ask how I'm doing. He said he's not really sure what to say, and that he probably knows how I'm doing, but that he wanted to check in anyway. He also said he'd understand if I didn't want to talk to him.
I'm crying something fierce right now. I miss him, and I want him back, and I have no idea how to get there. I wasn't sure if he'd ever get in touch and it feels like we have few reasons for contact, which is scary and leaves me feeling like this might never happen and that any contact is a huge deal.
I don't know what to do with the email. I'm not going to respond just yet, but I have no idea what to say or do with it when I do. Any suggestions about how to approach this would be appreciated.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Meghan, I have no idea either, but am sending good thoughts your way. Someone will have sound advice and in the meantime here's a ((hug)). Good for you for thinking this through and letting someone else weigh in before responding.
So sorry you're feeling down Meghan. If it's any consolation ... actually it won't be so I'll just shut up.
I'd be tempted to email back saying you're doing great but you can't chat now as you're just about to abseil down some tall building or some other such daring pursuit. Just make it up. Lie like a *******.
You can see why I'm not a vet and probably never will be can't you.
(Not so) Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I know you feel a lot of pressure to make your response to him do kind of EVERYTHING -- express PMA, keep the road home paved, encourage him to contact again, etc.
You're not going to be able to do that. You're going to have a real marathon.
So you're going to have to pick one or two things you want him to hear and just address those.
I don't know what balance you want to strike, but I know for sure you want your email to be reasonably upbeat.
Beyond that I hope someone else is more inspired than I am. I'm not your woman today. But I'm really glad he reached out to you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I could use some advice. H. just emailed me to ask how I'm doing. He said he's not really sure what to say, and that he probably knows how I'm doing, but that he wanted to check in anyway. He also said he'd understand if I didn't want to talk to him.
I'm crying something fierce right now. I miss him, and I want him back, and I have no idea how to get there. I wasn't sure if he'd ever get in touch and it feels like we have few reasons for contact, which is scary and leaves me feeling like this might never happen and that any contact is a huge deal.
I don't know what to do with the email. I'm not going to respond just yet, but I have no idea what to say or do with it when I do. Any suggestions about how to approach this would be appreciated.
Your H is probably having one of those moments where he is thinking of you and your M. As a guy, I get this. He may very well be having a moment where he is second guessing himself. It may last it may not. Or heck, it may not even be that. However, given your strong stated desire that you want to be with him, and that HE reached out to YOU, and even added an understanding if you did not want to talk to him, I would say what harm could come by showing him a smooth path. He wont walk all the way home, but he could very well be testing the waters to see just what would be involved in R.
So I would reply with a lot of PMA that you are doing well. I would highlight some of the good things going on with you. Then ask him how he is doing. A lot of times as a guy, I will have something on my mind I want to talk about but I am afraid to be the one to initiate. I WANT someone to ask me, even force it out of me. Lets me maintain my masculinity. So think about what you want, and how you want to get there. He gave you an opening, so your response is not pursuing. He wants to know how you feel, and in all likelihood, wants you to ask how he is feeling. So ask.
Or better yet, tell him you are doing great, and you are about to go to starbucks or something and you will be there around *pick a time*. If he wanted to join you that would be fine by you. Remember, he is the one who wants to talk. Maybe him seeing you when he is at this point emotionally will help him express things he might otherwise delete after typing in an email.
And I apologize because I cannot offhand recall your entire situation. I know I have read it, but I have read so many they are all starting to blend!
Good luck!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I don't know what to do with the email. I'm not going to respond just yet, but I have no idea what to say or do with it when I do. Any suggestions about how to approach this would be appreciated.
Yep. Total silence. No response is the way to go right now...
Hold tight. This sounds like it could be that he is wondering if he made the right decision....
Hi Meghan, Great advice as usual from pilot and I would say the same. Respond with PMA. Keep it brief and talk about a few things that are going well with you, or new things you tried lately. If you are funny, maybe say something that will make him smile.
Pilot's advice to ask how he is doing is interesting. I always take the opposite approach. Maybe I've been doing that wrong!? Interesting! How I usually do it is stay upbeat and ask something like "how is it going in (new city)? Are you loving the (weather, traffic, whatever)?" Keeping it light and maybe making a small joke of it. Acting like nothing bothers me and I'm totally cool with the fact that he moved out.
Looks like you've gotten some good feedback thus far. Let us know what you decide to write!
Pilot's advice to ask how he is doing is interesting. I always take the opposite approach. Maybe I've been doing that wrong!? Interesting! How I usually do it is stay upbeat and ask something like "how is it going in (new city)? Are you loving the (weather, traffic, whatever)?" Keeping it light and maybe making a small joke of it. Acting like nothing bothers me and I'm totally cool with the fact that he moved out.
I am not saying reopen communication altogether. I am saying you "seem' to have him at a moment of weakened emotional state where his thoughts are on you. I am advocating exploiting it. Basically one giant tease. A reminder to him of just how awesome you are. You can mix in sweet as well. Listen to him, validate him but by no means engage in any relationship talk. Just be a friend to him as you would a gf of yours caught in the same position. The only thing he should hear from you about you is just how absolutely awesome you are doing and how great things are. This is just a one time deal because of his expressed interest in you.
Maybe I am not articulating what I mean very well. You could always stay dark and NC. It is by far the safe move. But I guarantee this emotional state/concern for you will pass. Heck, it will prob pass no matter what you do. So why not show this starving man you are a prime filet perfectly cooked and let him look, savor, and drool over the steak he passed on when he was full. He certainly is not allowed to eat this steak right now. But you want him to part ways with you knowing what he used to have. Go and be everything he ever wanted in a woman (because you used to be just that) and then leave.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I recommend highly not to respond at this point. It is far better to let him wonder what is going on in your mind right now.
Go read Tarheel's thread and his most recent episode..
He sent his W an email last Thursday and gave her until Sunday at 10:00 pm to respond.... You will see and feel that he was almost waiting by the computer every minute waiting for her to respond.. She didn't respond by 10:00 pm...
Note that he then STILL wanted to send her another email....
Your best bet right now is to wait and allow him to wonder. Let him wonder. Wondering what a person is up to is the thing that triggers their emotions. "Is she mad? did I go too far? Is she seeing someone else? maybe she didn't receive my message? should I contact her again?, maybe I made a mistake, why hasn't she responded?"... etc, etc.....
Don't worry. He will try again. He is used to you doing most anything he wants anytime he wants. The 180 for you is to NOT respond to this. Do a 180 from what he expects....
Thanks so much for the input, everyone - you're all wonderful, and I appreciate the support so much. I'm drafting something right now - fairly short, positive, and about good things happening to me right now - and I'll post the draft for feedback later.
I'm trying not to buy into the hope that he's testing the waters right now, but it's hard not to. It's entirely possible he's just looking for an opening to ask me to send him the stuff he left or forgot here, though. Must remember it's a marathon.
My concern right now is that focusing exclusively on the positive in an email feels really inauthentic. The truth is that I feel lousy, and seeing as he knows me and I was in tears and kind of avoiding him in the few days he was here before moving out, I'm pretty sure that he knows definitively that I'm feeling cruddy right now.
Is keeping up a positive mental attitude in this email something that he's going to be able to see through?
Is there any danger in letting him think that I'm in much better shape than I actually am? For instance, will he think that I'm doing better without him, so it was okay for him to walk away?
In the email is there any reason to very, very briefly mention that there have been rough moments, or should that be left out altogether?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
