Well, I replied to everyone last night before going to bed and somehow it never showed up here....I hate when that happens! I'll try again.....
Wet, The informal arrangement is exactly what I think is best for my D14. In fact that is what my W and I talked about doing. The thing is, when she filed her "final decree", she had every second of every day mapped out. She even had which holidays D14 would spend with who, that the court had to be notified 3 months ahead of time before we could go on vacation, where D would go to school, where she could go (there is a provision that D14 can't leave either the county I live in or the one W lives in!) on and on. This is one of the reasons why I'm more than a bit PO'd about the fact that my W decided all on her own without even bothering to text me about it! It seems clear that my W is more interested in what's best for HER at any given time, not what's best for D14!
In principal, I agree that it's not a bad idea for D14 to be at her mom's for first week of school. One problem I have is that my W made sure that our D went to a school near HER. It is a form of manipulation to get D14 more interested in living with W. The way my W has been acting, I KNOW that she isn't thinking of what's best for our D, only what's best for HER. It's wrong to just assume that this arrangement is OK with me, that I am ready and able to keep her for an extra week now and am willing to go 2 weeks without her here after. She needs to understand that if she wants to get what SHE wants the least she can do is act like an adult and talk to me about things before she decides what we both are willing and able to do!
I have allowed my W from the start of all this to get what she wanted. Of course one of the reasons was because she had made agreements with me (like my getting the house) that have now just disappeared. Another reason was because I had hope that just maybe she would see that what she was doing was a mistake and maybe at least slow down and not be so quick to push the D forward. I came to DB in the hopes that I might be able to save my M. Now both those things no longer seem to apply. So, now I find myself in a position where I'm already at a disadvantage because of what I already have allowed my W to do. I certainly don't want her thinking I'm just going to roll over and let her have her way going down the road.
I can see what's coming. My W is going to leave my D14 alone at home when she is staying there most nights until late. She doesn't seem capable of thinking of anyone or anything but what she wants. I really truly believe that my D living with me is what's best but my W won't do that. No, she is too worried that she will have to pay CS and that I will "turn D14 against her and make her hate her" which is what my W has said her mother did with her father (although this is new. All her mother did was react to the horrible things her father was doing but now my W seems to want to change history to make her father a "victim").
I really hate that she has forced this on everyone. The last thing we need is to let her think she is allowed to make decisions without even bothering to let me know ahead of time! Am I wrong here? I know that I'm not in the best state of mind to think clearly. I'm also kind of tired of having to always think about what my W is thinking or if she will react this way or that. What is the "right" DB technique for the situation at hand, go dark or have contact, having to be careful and "validate" her feelings (no matter how crazy), etc. while she just keeps running and destroying everything! She is trying to erase the last 26 years! She even wants to change her name after 21 years of marriage and have a different last name than her kids because "it sounds better" (I'm willing to bet this last one came from her father!). Nothing I have done, no matter what, has slowed her down one bit.
Looking back my W has been acting like a spoiled child for a long time. Always wanting her way and throwing tantrums when she didn't get it. It's like this D is the ultimate tantrum. One where I can't just ignore the crazy. I have very little doubt that once all is said and done my W will regret what she has done. She will someday come to find that she made a mistake and just getting a D won't suddenly change everything and she will be happy and "find her joy". Cold comfort knowing that in the meantime she doesn't seem to care who gets hurt.
