I'll Take What's Behind Door Number 3 #8

[Georgiabelle]

Hi DBers! (It's better than being referred to as the other dbs, right?). I just read a post Sandi made on another thread and it struck a chord with me.

I have referenced wondering if my h could ever really make changes. I think my changes have been fairly subtle, however they have given me a sense of peace. I know at BD, you are supposed to evaluate what was legitimate and make changes to those for yourself. I think I've shared that I really thought my we only had a SSM so when my h started listing some of his other complaints, although I did not see them that way (I didn't support him- and I paid 90% of our bills. And I was fine with that because someone could pick the kids up or stay home with them when they were sick. When he had an idea, I helped him research and told he told me what I would need to do to get it off the ground). I realty was okay with that. I thought that was what he wanted. However, to a very sensitive person with clinical depression I did not do a good job of seeing that EVERYTHING was hard for him. I always thought I was rather compassionate and perhaps that was something I could have done better. I should have spoken up about how my resentment was building because I literally did everything work, kid and housework wise with the exception to picking kids up from school. That's why when my h moved out, things seem more relaxed and I'm more relaxed than before.

I don't blame my h for his mental illness. I cannot imagine being him -he hated everything. Life is dark and although he's supposedly in love and happy he left, he still says the days are so dark. I tried to help so very many times. I simply loved him and did not want to have sex with him because I was very resentful and exhausted. I should not have allowed myself to get there. I should have spoken up and I did not. I know he felt *unloved * and * undesired*. In my mind, I did not think my h could handle my complaints. I dunno. And I admit, that as soon as h got a job (10 minutes from our house no less) I would have been thrilled for him. He said I was expecting him to be fired. However, he says that he has to watch himself because he used to yell at his boss and coworkers and he tries not to so he won't get fired. But it was like he was blaming me for getting fired on the past and that's ridiculous. . I don't know. For the last 5 years, he worked a total of about a year and a half.

Sometimes I feel like I could have done more, although I had no idea how to *work* on some of these things. Just rambling.

Happy to see some potential reconnections. Wishing everyone the best:-)