Bob, would you describe yourself as the walk-away spouse? Not just based on the fact you left the home, but in how you feel and and tell your story. I know you say you want the M to be saved, and I agree both of you have issues that have caused the breakdown of the MR. Now that you have shared more about the stitch, I see some characteristics similar to those of a WAS. Just one example is the feeling you cannot return to the M until she makes changes.....and having huge doubts about it.
I was the walk away spouse in my M. I never actually left the house physically......but I left the M a long time before I showed up on the doorsteps of the DB board. In spite of my behavior, attitude, and many negative feelings....my deep belief system, core values, or whatever you want to call it....was urging me to reach out to somebody who would really listen and maybe know how to give me some guidance. The first place I searched out was advertised as a Christian forum, and that was what I wanted. Call it bad timing or something else, all I know was the first night I was desperately trying to get them to talk to me, they were cutting up and not taking me seriously. So I left that place and somehow found my way here. The timing was right. The right people reached me and said the right information I needed to hear. Maybe I didn't want to hear some of it.....but I needed it.
I criticized and blamed my H. Post after post I was trying to describe his failures to the people here. Especially if I started feeling too much heat. I will never forget being told what you've been told........"you are the one here". That meant I would be the one getting the information. It meant that I would be the one who had to make changes. I don't think I was very thrilled to hear that b/c I kept reminding the board how it was my H who needed to change his ways.
It was not easy for me. I don't think it's easy for either the LBS or the WAS. It seems, based on the majority population here being LBS's, that they are usually the ones here who want to bust the D. They are usually the ones asking for advice in how to save the M, and seem desparate to do so. Sometimes I felt as I was the only WAS on the board! (and there were very few at that time) I only mention it b/c it is easy to believe none of the advice fits you b/c you are on the other side of the fence, so to speak.
To me, the hardest part for the WAS taking the advice to heart, is due to the condition of his/her heart by that time. I think the no. 1 attitude in a WAS is "fed up"! It took some of a long time to reach that point, and just the thought of enduring longer under in that environment is almost unbearable. Whereas, the LBS is faster to plead no to file for a D.
Yes, you are the one who showed up. Not your W. So take another deep breath. We want to help, if we can.
Btw, I want to comment about the "rules" later. They are not really die hard rules. They are tips to help LBS newcomers who have had the bomb dropped and have been told the M is over and their S wants a D. B/c the LBS feels so lost and doesn't know which step to take next, that list came together, people began referring to it as the rules. Everyone has to tweak those that may not fit your situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
