Not sure what to do

[Jacket]

Bob,

Based on what your wife said in her email, she seems to feel that you always make yourself out to be the victim. My H always felt like the victim, too, and that he always had to make sacrifices. He felt very much like the martyr in nearly all situations, not just with me, but with friends and family, too. Have you thought at all about what keeps you in this victim mode?

Also, if you can look past the sarcastic tone and get over your pride when reading her email, you can see that your W is actually telling you exactly what she is upset about in painstaking detail. Read it carefully and you can see all of the things you need to work on. I know you may disagree with her on some of the points, but rather than avoiding that topic, could you directly address it (180) and say something along the lines of, "I really DO take responsibility for the destruction of our marriage. What can I do/say to convince you of this?" The key though is that you have to really believe what you are saying, and say it in an open and vulnerable way, without saying it in an accusing way. I learned to do this with my H, and I found that it was all in my body language and tone that changed the meaning from being attacking to totally earnest. And the other thing that is essential is that you have to TRULY WANT TO KNOW. And when she answers, you have to stay in that intent to learn rather than moving into a protective and closed state.

The thing that jumps out especially to me in your W's email is this: "It is not as if I loved you when we got married. It is not as if I love you now." If this is really what she thinks, will any of your current actions bring you closer to her? Filing separation papers certainly isn't going to convince her you love her, is it? Also, it's nice that you're offering to do things around the house and to watch the dog, but these things don't demonstrate love. These are things you'd do for a friend.

I think you need to really forgive her for the past hurts, as people have been saying, and I mean really TRULY forgive her, and you will only be able to do this if you really truly accept what your role was in things. Once you do, then your actions might align with those feelings and be more loving again. I cringe when I hear of some of the things you are doing toward her because it does seem like you're inadvertently continuing to punish her with your disengagement.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I want things to work out for you and your W. Best of luck to you.

Jacket