Not sure what to do

[Nettles]

You've got an easy problem to solve.

I'm sure that seems like a harsh line, Bob, but is meant that there is hope.

Your W wrote "I wanted my marriage. You wanted your hurt. Your hurt won." That is an extremely powerful thing Bob. IMO, that quote and a lot of what you wrote on here makes me think that it is hard for you to forgive.

Think about forgiveness for a second Bob. What does it mean to you? You have to forgive your W for the past and never bring it up again. Ever. The next time she yells, it has nothing to do with the past X number of times she has yelled. You've been given advice on how to handle her yelling going forward. But to truly forgive, you have to move past the past. When you do this, you can start communicating with your W.

Part of what saved my M was my W truly believed that you can hate the action but love the person. A C who we saw together told us that we have to agree that all people should be loved (Have you heard that on Sunday? Aren't you a Catholic?). We can hate the action but love the person. Love the person by forgiving the action and use tools to handle the next time and prevent the action.

I know it can work because my W did this. And it changed me. Your actions can change your W. Reread what your W wrote. You are choosing pain by not forgiving.

Forgiveness won't fix everything. But it is the start for using improved communication skills that you can work on to rebuild things. Things can be different the next time W starts to yell and you have the power to change it. You can choose to. What do you choose Bob?