OK, not even done yet. Get to it, right?! OK, so a couple things.
First, as I mentioned above that I felt like the role were reversed between h and I. Well it's sort of like this: I was so desperate to get h back before the nuke, that I was dbing, but I was holding my breath. I would wait and watch. I wanted more than anything to have h back. I detached, but I really thought he was coming back. He knew this. He knew I was there. I even think that maybe he thought he was coming back. That's maybe why he waited until hww was 4 months preg before I even knew about her. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway, I was there... waiting... for him. Yup, I know... don't do that, GAL, worry about yourself. I know, but I was dbing for a reason- to save my M!
Now, h has never experienced me like this. Yes I was distant while dbing and all that jazz. This is different. Could I ever be with h again? What do you think? I have never answered that question in my head. I have not said definitively either way. I won't either. I literally went from being committed to my m, still feeling in my heart of hearts that h was my husband and I was his wife. It literally changed in a moment. I was replaced before I was let go. My h was with another woman, in a house they bought together with a little kid and another on the way. My family was broken. It ceased to exist the way it ever did. There was no going back- ever- to the life I knew and loved.
So, where do I go from here? Well, you DON'T just stop loving someone (unless, of course, you are my husband). It is embarrassing to say that I just wish h would say to me that he made a mistake. Will he? Probably not. Does that mean I want him back, not really. Would I take him back? Who knows? It is majorly screwed up! I would not even make that call because he has shown no interest. And even if he did, would he have what it takes to make it right? I haven't seen that strength. Really though, I digress.... Why have the tables turned, I am so sure you are asking.
Well, because there has been no contact outside of financial stuff, I can see the difference in h- even through the EXTREMLY minimal contact. What I see is the very hurt little boy. I have seen this kid occasionally throughout our m. I always felt so badly for this little guy. He was broken and sad. I could just see him as a little boy who needed love. I don't know why or how I can pick that up, but I do. The difference is I am in a different place. I don't really give a damn. Of course I feel for him and don't wish badly upon him (not usually, jab, jab), but he has hurt me terribly. This is what I am realizing and feeling like, forget it! Over the years I always fixed things, even if he was wrong. I would find a way for him to fix it, even if I was doing the work. I know that does not make sense, probably. Now, there is no way I am interfering with ANY of his mess. For the first time, he has to deal. He is on his own. Truly, he is. It is so crazy just how much so. He does not have a supportive family, he lost my family, he really does not have any friends (he never trusts anyone), he lost me. He does not see our kids. What does he have a 26 year-old? Her family? It's not like anyone in his family is his age. He has got to feel so out of place and weird. The roles have reversed because for the first time- I don't care. It is not him pushing me away. He does not have the security of ME anymore. I don't need him. He knows that. I am not saying he needs me, but he does not know the feeling of not having me. I totally checked out. If he wants anything from me, he need to show me what it is and why I should give it to him. I will not be his friend just because I know him better than anyone and because I love him more than anyone. I will not give my energy, friendship, companionship, whatever to someone who takes advantage of me and give nothing in return.
Word.
And the other thing... he still has not seen my kids. He has stopped by s's work to see him (so inappropriate). All spring, he blew them off. Now that the nuke has been dropped, he will not leave them alone. He still texts them all day long. So crazy because he was so into hww in the spring, he make my kids feel terrible. He could not go out of his way for anything. They are so hurt by them, but they are carrying on with their life. He continues to blame me- to them! He says he knows that it is because of me that they don't want to see him. They keep telling him that is not true, but he keeps at it. I find it so insulting to them because he is totally dismissing their feelings. H knows exactly what it feels like because it happened to him and he still can't deal with it. Um... hello.... you hurt your kids. It is ONLY YOUR FAULT! He needs to acknowledge what he has done and their feelings- not say, "I'm a grown man; I can do whatever I want." Which is what he told BOTH of them, separately, when he dropped the nuke on them. Wow, this dude just does not get it. S told me h stopped at his work the other day. H said again that it was my fault, that I tell the kids not to see him. (Which by the way I do not do at all!! As hard as it is, I have tried to support their r!). S told him he needs to be accountable for his actions and take responsibility and walked away. I hope h heard what his son is telling him! Talk about role reversal!
OK, over it for now. I've bored myself enough with these shenanigans.
(I hope my spelling and grammar are OK and I make sense, because there is no way I am looking back at this...)
