When is the anvil going to be lifted from my chest? Seriously, it is incessantly weighing down. No matter what is going on, it is a heavy burden that I can't seem to release.
OK, so the trip was good. The girls had a great time at One Direction. I was so glad to take them. They sat in the back seat the whole time traveling. They slept the whole way there (niece stayed a few days before we left so they could "get ready"). We had a lot of travel time. Traffic was crazy due to 2 major events side-by-side plus construction. It took an hour and a half to go 2 miles. We sat in the parking garage for almost 2 hours.... and then some. Plus 4.5 hours each way. I didn't mind, just felt like I lived in the car. And, because the girls were together, I had lots of time to think. I don't know if that is good or not.
My emotions were CRAZY! I had a really good time with the girls and it made me so happy to see how excited and sweet they were. It was really cute. At the same time, I was a roller coaster of emotions. My goodness. I would go from being content, to feeling anger and rage, loneliness, sadness, grief, independent, free, numb, you know, the whole gamut.
It's weird though, you know? I mean, you hear from the vets all the things they tell you to do, and they aren't kidding. They really get it and know their stuff. Allowing myself to have these emotions does help. Even though I hate the out-of-control emotions, I do feel so much more in control of my life having endured them. These are my emotions. They are mine alone. They are not based at all on what h or anyone else wants me to have. H would always have an opinion on how he thought I should feel. He never tried to understand my perspective or point of view. It made him very uncomfortable if I felt a way he didn't understand or agree with. I am allowing myself to feel without worrying about what he might think. It is very freeing. Albeit, the emotions and feelings I have are NO FUN! They are based on the terrible thoughts I have about h and hww, about what happened to my m and r. They are about my current sitch and no matter what, I don't think there is any way to repair it. It is so damaged. It is so disgusting. It is so hard to fathom. It is so painful. Yet, it is almost like the roles have reversed. If feel a little like h is such a little kid at the moment. Our communication has been almost non-existent. But I give him no power in my life anymore. I know he feels it. I do think it scares him to think of me not being part of his life. I really do not think that is what he wants. However, there is no way in he11 that I will be his friend like this. He cannot replace his wife and kids with a new family this way and expect me to just say, ok and be supportive. F that. F him. Nope. Not gonna happen. At this point- I've got nothin for that mess.
I don't know what he wants from me. I really don't. He probably does not either. I just think that it is obvious he does not want me, because he is with her. And boy, is he so ever with her. UGH! I don't get it. I don't see it. I just don't understand. I simply just cannot even imagine them together. I just cannot even imagine him in such a committed r with someone. OMG! A 26 yr old to boot! Yuck, yuck, yuck.
I just have so many crazy thoughts-- but I am having a better time being alone than I have in the previous months. It is weird. I am starting to like it much more. I had a thought the other night about how it would be weird to have someone here and would I still like that because I'm now used to being alone. That's a sad thought, but good, because I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin. But I do get lonely sometimes. It's getting less.
I am also getting more comfortable with gal. That was really hard for me at first. I've come a long way in that aspect.
The anger though... geesh.... I have gotten some serious flashes of rage lately. It is not anything that I have expressed outwardly and it passes. But sometimes, I think of something and I can feel this searing rage come over me like a wave. I just want to inflict serious pain on h and hww. I never would, but I just get so pi$$ed.
I don't know where I stand. I think that I have still had some numbness and shock that was present and is now starting to fade away. I believe that is part of the unveiling of emotions I have been feeling. As difficult as it can be, at this point I am well versed in dealing with emotions. Even better yet, I have reached a point of total detachment. I think, anyway. I know my life will be fine. I know I will be fine. I like me. I like that I can express me more so.
Someone posted the other day and asked about how to find what they want. I was going to respond, but I was falling asleep. I wanted to respond because that was something I struggled with myself and have been thinking a lot about it.
The biggest thing for me figuring out what I "want" (granted, it is a work in progress... like MAJOR project overhaul) is time. I took months after bd to be pretty much silent. I had no idea where to go, what to do, what to think. I was clueless. My mom kept asking, "What do you want?" I had no idea. I kept quiet about it. It was one of those things that I knew I needed time. I did not want input from ANYONE about what they "thought" I should want. I wanted peace. That's what I told my mom. It was the best thing for me. I retreated. I detached. I read. I wrote. I prayed. I waited. Gradually, it started to come. I didn't have answers of what I wanted, but I started to feel. I can tell you, it is a scary place not know what I wanted- Not having direction, a plan, a future, a husband, a partner. Do I know now what I want? No. But, I am working on it. It is not so much a scary thing, but more of an exciting thing. It's a journey I look forward to endeavoring. I am the captain of this ship. Ahoy, matey!
