On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

The last 3 days have given me some hope. We went boating with our kids on Saturday and had a good time. Not much interaction on the boat but we were friendly. She opened a beer and handed it to me when she saw mine was empty, something she rarely ever did. We listened to music and went swimming. Each of us talked quite a bit with our kids but not much to each other.

When we got home I was grilling dinner and she came out back with a glass of wine for each of us. We sat and I started asking her if she had a good time on the boat. Then I gently steered the conversation to her feelings for me. She said that she is confused about what to do. She doesnt want to get hurt again and so she is not able to commit to our M right now. I just listened and did not argue or try to convince her. She started talking about things I used to do (or not do) that hurt her and made her feel neglected. I apologized and said I was very wrong to hurt her like that. She started crying. This happened a few times over the course of an hour long talk. No anger, no hostility, just communication.

On Sunday we had another talk like that. At one point she abruptly left the house to go talk to her mom. I cooked dinner again for us and we spent a nice evening talking. After dinner she sat on the couch virtually next to me. Its a big couch and she could have sat 6 feet away if she wanted to. This has not happened in a long time. Tonight we took our D13 to dinner. We came home and again she sat next to me on the couch. I told her she looked beautiful tonight. She said thank you but I dont believe you. Then I told her that I missed loving her. She smiled but had no comments. I started touching her arm and she reacted like it felt good. So I then moved to massaging her back and shoulders. She clearly was liking the affection, and this went on for over 20 min. She then said "that felt so good, I owe you big time". I said nothing, I kissed her hand and then I went up to bed. I have no clue if this is actually a good sign or if I am grasping for straws but it felt so good to touch her again. This was the first real stretch of time where we could interact without getting angry or talking about the affair. I am going to put this down as progress. Plus I am proud of the way I initiated the end of the night. I am going out of town tomorrow for 3 days and it feels like I am leaving on a positive note.