The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

OK. Time to throw up! WARNING--LONG POST AHEAD.

I had a bizarre interaction with GUBU.
But Cadet, you were in my ear.
NO EXPECTATIONS!

ACT ONE:
SCENE ONE:
We agreed we'd talk a bit--he was very tense, petting a dog instead of looking at or speaking to me.

He asked what was up, I told him what my doc said, that it was unhealthy for me to live like this, worried about my weight loss, etc.
He agreed that it was too much for me, had concerns that I wasn't able to take care of things.

He validated me about not getting out of the house, being socially isolated, overloaded, no sleep. He gets it!

(I'm thinking YAY! HE GETS IT!!!)

I said: "We don't need to solve it today, but that maybe we could come up with some solutions and talk about it later."

I kept trying to steer it into "think about it and let's talk later" but he had other ideas.

He presses: "What do you want to do? What are you asking for?"
"I mean, I'm up here almost every day, helping out. What ELSE do you WANT?"
(Prickles starting up the back of my neck. OK, he thinks he's helping out a lot and being a really GREAT GUY! How could I ask for more???)

Me: "Well, I need more help, either from you or maybe hire somebody."

Him: "Not to be a chit, but maybe it's best that YOU move out and I"ll HIRE somebody.'
(Not mean, just cold.)

Me: "Well, that's an option, but the last time I was gone and you hired someone, they really weren't able to keep up with things. (A lot more is needed than just letting the dogs out mid-day. The place was a disaster when I returned, and he'd worked half days most of that time.)

Him: "Well, these dogs aren't going to have "this" (gestures around the place) forever."
"Eventually, their reality is going to have to change."

M: "Maybe so, but in the meantime, maybe there is a way we can improve the situation."

H: "Well, I can take care of this place better than you. I can do the livestock, etc."
(Of course, working 70 hours a week makes that difficult, but whatever.)


SCENE TWO: HERE IS WHERE I WENT OFF THE RAILS:
Me: "You do know that if I move away from here, I won't be involved on any level. I mean, I will be 'gone'. (Aiming for a "Truth Dart". No friends, no help, I'm OUTTA HERE!)

Him: Coldly "I figured that would be the case."

Me: Looking uncomfortably around: "Well, thanks for bringing the coffee, dog food. We don't have to discuss this any more now. I'll do as you asked and give you some suggestions."

Him: "I just don't think you can do this alone either. You can't keep doing this alone." (Words to that effect.)

Me: "I agree. But I'm not in a position to move right now, nor to leave my animals. So to me the only real options right now are you being available to help more, or me hiring outside help."

Then I changed the subject to my upcoming boat trip... we talked about that for awhile.
I was playing it as cool as possible.

---------------
ACT TWO:
SCENE ONE:

He comes in the house to bring in the bags of dog food. I have recovered most of my PMA (on the surface.)
We chit-chat nicely about the mortgage, his sick friend, how MUCH MONEY HE MAKES... how great he is at work.
How he might go visit sick friend, how great he is at work...

I asked him "if he was OK... if anything was up with him, (suggesting "medically").

He looks at me funny, says: "No... why?"

I said: "I dunno. Just a weird vibe... just wanted to make sure you're OK."
(Mystery appointments, strange stuff on insurance, hoping (brief expectation) that he'd mention he was in therapy... NOPE!!! He's perfect!)

Him: "No. I'm really doing FINE! I'm a bit stressed at work is all, been doing my bike rides."
(Doesn't look very comfortable as he says this though.)

Me: "That's great. It really is nice to know you're back in the saddle."

I am validating, not interrupting...

SCENE TWO:

Me: "Anything new at work?"

Him: "BLAH BLAH earful about how he's better at working with men, women are so difficult, how this person and that person tick him off, how he is being offered a job near where we live but he makes SO much money... he's so great... SHARK EYES--IT"S ALL ABOUT ME-----blah blah blah."

(I'm thinking, if I were on a date with this dude, I'd shoot myself. And yes, I am fishing to see if he will mention that OW is GONE... and he is not going there, definitely avoiding mentioning it.)

Then he makes a mistake.

He mentions flying in someone to interview for a "certain" department position.


I ask--(Dumb, I know, but I KNOW it's OW's job!!!)
"Oh really? Which department?" (It would be a normal question any other time.)

H: Looking at the wall mumbles: "XXX (OW's) Department."

And he sees my face.
I didn't say anything, I wasn't angry or tearful. But he saw it in my face.

I can't hide this stuff.

And I said, regrouping like a pro!
"Oh, so you are having luck finding someone to fill that slot? That's great." And then feel myself start to unravel....

And I say: 'Ok then, thanks for bringing the food. Would you excuse me?"
(Not teary, still softly, ready to beat it out of there.)

He says--exasperated: "Oh GOAT GAL! She left MONTHS ago.!"

Me: Softly, not angry or crying: "Months ago? I wish you had told me. I guess it was a hard thing to bring up, so I understand."

Him: Sort of nasty now: "Goat Gal, there is no REASON to have told you. There just isn't."

Me:"I can see why you would feel that way. But still it would have been nice to know."

H: "Well, it doesn't matter anymore" (or something like this, I was walking away at this point.)

SCENE THREE: Here's My Mistake:



Me: "Can I just say one thing?" (MY WORST COMMENT--A REAL TRIGGER FOR HIM!!!)

Him: Calmly, stops walking, still has his back to me. "Sure. What?"

Me: "Remember when you promised that if there was anything you could tell me that would help me feel more secure and less stressed, that you would just tell me.? Well, this would have been one of those things."

Him, not quite storming down the stairs, but clearly p*ssed off:
"Good NIGHT!"


And th-th-th-th-THAT's ALL, FOLKS!
---------------------------------------------------

On the positive side, I was listening and validating and DBing my butt off.
It wasn't perfect, but it was a far cry from how I would have reacted a few months ago.

It is so painful to see this man talk to me this way, for him to get angry when I SHOW ANY EMOTION that might point to him having done something wrong.

I mean, it was fleeting across my face. I looked uncomfortable, at most.

And it makes him ANGRY.
At ME. At least that's what it looks like.

I don't expect to hear from him in awhile.

He is really like a pod person.
He actually frightens me on some level.

He's really missing--what did Wonka call it? His "EMPATHY CHIP"?

It's really all about him and it sure seems as though he thinks we're DONE, just waiting to get those papers signed and get this baby over with. I am NOTHING TO HIM. Not by that conversation.
I just fulfill a purpose, and clearly I'm falling short on that one so I should just leave.

But then here he is, enjoying talking with me. (Talking AT me is more like it!)
He goes on and on and on---about HIMSELF!!!

I am merely an audience.

He is really angry at me now. Has been for a few days.
It's hard to see this hardness and cycling. It makes me hate him. It really does.

He is cold, and he is ugly on the inside. Not looking so hot on the outside either.
He is TOXIC.

Boo on him.

No. I don't want to be married to this freak. There is something seriously wrong with the man.
Everybody can see it but HIM.

But damn. HE DIDN'T MAKE ME CRY and HE DIDN'T MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL.


---GGG

PS: And if I were to put on my mind-reading cap, which I am NOT, I would surmise that he is upset with himself that he waited so long to tell me that OW was gone.
He knows I would have liked to have heard that and I think there was a point at which he wanted to tell me but couldn't find the words.

And the rest, the "Sure, I knew you'd be gone forever and it doesn't bother me one iota" stance--the last thing he will do admit he's made a mistake, that he has created this situation, that he wants to come home but wants ME to ask him to.

That he needs me, wants me, or fears losing me.
Better to say--"Sure. No problem. Go ahead!"

Damn. The man should have been a Divorce Buster!
I think he's angry because I AM NOT ASKING HIM TO COME BACK.

Clearly, that's a "solution" that I deliberately did not mention.
And he certainly noticed that.

Just sayin'

Mind reading cap---OFF!!!