The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

Thank you, Cadet.

I always value what you have to say.

I wish I were better at taking your advice, or even my own advice for that matter!

Sometimes it seems I am better suited to dishing it out...

I do struggle with getting bogged down in details, from what people say and the information I take in. It's very confusing in my head, so sometimes I do feel very dense and I frequently miss the simplest and most obvious explanation.

When I hear hoofbeats, I think Onagers!
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I actually do understand what you're saying. I didn't even have to read the whole thread and a half, (although I will), to get what you mean.

It's hard to internalize it though.

I have a lot of expectations. Not just for GUBU, but in general. For myself.
I'm not sure this is always the case, but I have been on an "expectational downslide" ever since opening up to GUBU more.

It was much easier to be detached when I had very limited contact with him.
I could harden my heart and tune him out.
Opening up just a little has left me feeling extremely vulnerable to being hurt.
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Now that he is alternating being friendly and chatty with being weird and nasty, it's hard to know what I'm dealing with.

And yes, I "know" that I will never really know what I'm dealing with, so I should just stop spending any time thinking about him and what he's thinking/doing.

On the other hand, being able to assess how he is responding is necessary to continue DBing. I need to do more of what works.
It's really hard to know what's working, what's backfiring, what's cake-eating/friend-zoning, what's responsible/modeling, vs. being a doormat.


As I've said, the finer points of human interaction are often lost on me and I have to work very hard to "get it" sometimes.
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I see that the increased contact has lead to increased anxiety on my part.
Clearly I am not as detached as I thought I was.
(Deep down, I knew I wasn't, but I felt good about my detachment sometimes.)


And I do struggle with an over-active imagination. It is a blessing, but at times like these, it's a curse.

Catastrophizing and "What-IFing" all over the place.


So I will work on eliminating expectations, re-read my older threads as if somebody else wrote them, re-read DB and DR again... Every time I do, I get something new.
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Spinning? Absolutely.

You're right. I am not helping myself at all and I need to take better care of myself; not let crazy thoughts take over.

I am aware of what I can and cannot control.
It's getting away from the emotional attachment to a certain outcome, even with that knowledge, that's a sticking point for me.
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As for what my H thinks, I have been behaving very differently the last few days because I have not been feeling well.
My appointment with my shrink Thursday forced me to start resting and just let things go.

I told H I just needed some space, was tired, a lot going on.... (anniversary of D-Day, didn't say that.) etc.
Usually on Fri-Sun I'd be out busting my back end doing chores and getting projects done and going out dancing.
Being quiet and resting was very unusual for me.
No doubt this made him curious.
I let him think whatever he wanted.

I admit it was passive-aggressive of me, but if he worried about me dropping dead on him, I thought. "GOOD!" I felt like dropping dead might be a good option at a few points there.
Better for everyone all around...

So I figured, let him think I'm sick.
Maybe he'll show some freaking compassion for someone for a change.
(EXPECTATION!!!!!!)

Really, I was just feeling sorry for myself and that's that.
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Thanks for your concern, Cadet.
You are a comfort to me--a voice of reason.

I'll keep on it. I promise.

---GGG