Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Well, I fell off the DB wagon. I am really beating myself up as things have been going so well, but I see the problem here. Me and alcohol. I went for what was to be an innocent visit with a girlfriend while H was out with a friend and S was at a playdate. I reached out to H while he was out so we could coordinate who would be home to pick up S, but he never responded to my text. In the meantime, I got word that playdate was now sleepover. As the time went by with no word from H, I got angrier and angrier, the mind started racing and 1 drink became about 4. After 2 1/2 hours, H finally responded saying he was playing pool and didn't realized I had texted. I called him and just went off. Why am I always responsible for S? What is he doing and who is he with? Why didn't he respond to my text? He yelled that I am drunk and hung up on me. In the meantime, S wanted to come home afterall. There was no way I could drive, so H went and picked him up. When I finally got home about 1 am, I stormed into H's room and demanded more answers. I told him he is not worth all of this and that he will be served this week. Oh boy. I woke up Sunday just feeling like a real loser. I wasn't there for my S when I should have been. I wreaked havoc on our R, which has been heading in the right direction. Yes, H should have been more responsive to my text when it comes to our S, but he assumed we were just at home like he left us. He didn't know about the playdate or me going out, it was last minute plans after H had left. I feel like he is telling the truth and wasn't up to anything inappropriate. I told him I will not be going out drinking anymore, putting myself in situations where I can drink too much. I didn't tell him this, but between us, I used to know when to stop. Since this chaos in my life, I keep going to numb myself. Not good! H didn't say anything about the things I said. He just explained that he really didn't see my text until he looked at his phone to check the time because he didn't want to get home too late like in the past.

So - I got my wake up call about drinking and will avoid these situations. But obviously I have some real anger in me. Not just for the past year, but for the last several years of issues with him. I accept that he is limited on what he can give emotionally and physically. It's just the way he is, always has been. My H is quiet, private, withdrawn at times - it's hard to feel loved or special with someone like this. Can I live with this? Can I work on myself to look for other ways he shows love, then the ways I hope for? I need to figure this out.

In the meantime, does anyone have any advise on working on anger and forgiveness?