FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Texted a little back and forth this morning with W about a missing sleeping bag. Nothing to it – all amicable and nice.

W called later and asked if I had the talk with D7 about karate Wednesday. I told that I haven’t due to W and me agreeing for me to wait until after our talk Thursday this week.
Then she started suggesting new solutions and telling me – once again – that it is not fair that the children can’t have any activities.
I stood my ground this time and told her very calm that I do not want to have this discussion once more over the phone. I told her that if she wants it we can take it face to face Thursday.

She still kept coming. Told me how hard it will be to tell D7. How sad this is. How much it hurts herself and the Ds….and so on! I told her that I understand her thoughts and that I share many of them.

W then tried to start a talk about changing the shifting days and asked about my thoughts on this and if I had any favorites. I told her that I haven’t got any favorite solutions, but that I have some wishes and I expect her to have the same.
W: “I am all ears. I do not have any more children that have to be counted in so for me it doesn’t matter.”
Me: “I haven’t made any decisions. I have wishes but I have tried not to get too specific before the two of us talked”
W: “Well, why don’t we just try the karate and then see how it works out. I believe these things will change all the time”
She kept going and at one point I said something like “This has effects on the children’s life” to which she replied “Well, that where the two of us disagrees”.
She said things like “It will be difficult to get all this to work and now the girls will have different shifting days as well and in short time D5 might also want to attend something and then there’s a new problem”

At the end we agreed to wait with any decisions until Thursday.
I stayed totally calm. I listened and agreed too much of what she said but also stood my ground.

The talk lasted for 10 min.
She called back 10 min later
She started with: “What if D7 attends karate when she is with me?”

Then it all started over again but this time even more calm and nicely. I stood my ground, tried to explain that this situation is “normal” for D-children, that W can make her decisions when children are at her place and so on..
I told her that I will always try to do what is best for the children also when this is a tough decision.
After I said this she stated that a decision like this might be that D7 should not be more with me. I told W that I totally agree to her perspective. That it is our responsibility to act as responsible parents.
She then said that she is not even sure that she wants D7 more at my place. I told her that if that is her stand on this I will respect it.

She ended up by saying that she doesn’t know what to do about all of this. I told her that I understand why and suggested her to take some hours and think it through.

Second talk lasted 20 min. I was even calmer than in the first.

When I compare the two talks today with talks about the same subject some months ago it is a totally new world. I find myself reacting totally different, I do not feel any anger, I know where I stand, I feel at peace with the current situation, I listen to and understand Ws POV, I say the same things but the words and tone are new. I have lots of wishes about Ds time here, R and so on – but it is wishes and nothing I crave badly anymore.
W is also coming out very differently. There was no anger or spew today.
She argued her POV, told about her thoughts and feelings – all in a nice tone. Some months ago a talk like this made her angry and spewing.
We both have a little blaming. I point at the D-decision and she point at my boundary about shifting days to be the reason for this happening to the girls.

I do hope our talk on Thursday can be conducted in the same manner.