I recognize my impatience, which means I have expectations. I need to figure out how to have no expectations and be okay with detaching. The problem is, in some ways, I feel like detachment is giving up on us, which I definitely don't want to do. I was way too detached all along, which is why we're here in this spot. How do I detach now, without it being "more of the same"?
It's easy to get wrapped up in the finality of his words ("this has to happen", "I'm just done; I want out" "I'm not happy"), even though I'm not supposed to believe any of them. I get anxious about him seeing the changes and believing that yes, we can work through this and come out stronger.
It's probably not entirely accurate, but I feel like when I'm "acting as if" and GAL and avoiding R talk, he's going, "Good, she's not taking this so badly; we can move on without drama".
The changes I'm making are NOT only for him. I want to change for me because I know my previous self is not the best self I could be (that's laughable; it was just being a blob in a chair and so unhealthy) and I was hurt by my inaction and neglect of MYSELF, as much as I hurt him/us.
He's so damned friendly all the time, I want to see this is affecting him, too. What if it's not affecting him?
I'm scared and I'm hurting.
Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/18/1402:11 PM.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
