It hurts I would NOT have a relationship talk. Just go out and have a great time. Don't use words use actions. I am in a fairly similar spot where my W may or may not be having second thoughts. Her words say one thing but her actions say another. Our situations are flip flopped though. My W gets in town tonight and will be here for a few days. I'm not going to bring up relationships or anything. We are just going to spend the days together and evenings together and I will just be the badass self I am with her and let her inner voice be the one to have the R talk with her. Nothing I say will make a difference anyways. When I am with her I am the guy she fell for. And honestly I halfway have to fake it because when she is gone I'm back to indifferent. I am doing this not because I have to have her back but I want the option of having her back. Big difference in attitude. Dating without pursuing. Think about it. It works when you are having first dates with strangers. She will want you more when she is not sure she can have you.
Best of luck
Last edited by pilot; 08/17/1408:55 PM.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
What frustrates me is how many times you keep saying you "know" her, etc. Didn't we warn you about her not wanting to R, but you insisted you were right, then felt "hurt" when she didn't want to.
This is HER journey. You have to respect that and stop making it about you. I can't make it any simpler than that. If you talk to her, the M will not be healed because she will feel as if it was YOUR and NOT HER decision.
If you don't care for her enough to let her go and find out what is important to her in her life, then you should just finalize the D and move on. There's no guarantee that the next person you find will not be the same. But that's up to you.
Actually, if you're not going to take what we say seriously, then I'm sorry I can't help you.
Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi Guys! Thanks for the advice. So the meeting with WAW was very successful and we have some closure now. In reference to what Mr. Bond has been saying, WAW said almost verbatim the same thing...that if she doesn't make this move she will eventually resent me for it. So once again Mr. Bond hit the nail on the head.
Now we did talk a bit about reconciliation. The WAW said that she has been telling people that she absolutely will not rule out possible reconciliation with me some time in the future. She said we have a strong foundation and we do still love each other. She said she can't make any promises, nor did I ask her to, but that she can see it possibly happening down the road. She told me that me not willing to be her friend recently was a big impediment in her consideration for R. She said that now that I am able to be her friend and respect her decision to move that it really shows how I've changed for the better as a person.
She said that right now she needs to do her own thing, that she doesn't want to be married. She said she is so ashamed for "f****G me over" and that she can't believe how stupid she was. She said that she isn't stupid and that she knows what she is walking away from and how she may regret it. She said that knowing she can keep in touch with me now means a lot to her because she didn't see R as a possibility if we weren't going to be friends and be talking. So we basically left it where we are going to let the marriage end and move on as good friends for now and whatever the future will bring it will bring. Ironically, as we concluded our 3 hour conversation, as I started the car to leave, a song was on the radio that WAW would always ask me to sing to her during our marriage whenever we happened to hear it. She yelled out "are you serious???!" as she looked at the radio and then she started to cry. I was beside myself that of all songs, that one happened to be on the radio. It was a really weird moment. So she asked me for a hug...she gave me a real long one and kissed my on my neck. We said good night, she asked me to text her when I got home safely and that was that.
Then early this morning she calls me in tears. Her sister who was home from school for summer, and who was very supportive of her over the summer while all of this went down, left to go back to school this morning. WAW said on the phone that that was upsetting her and also that she couldn't get "that song" out of her head. She said it's a lot of emotion. She said everyone is moving on abut she has to wait over a month before she can move. She said I'm going to have a great life with your lady friend now. She said her sister will be back with her friends at school. She said she has to wait a month before she can move away from all of this. So I talked to her for about 1/2 hour or so on the phone.
So as it is now, the marriage is done. She is going to FL and we are moving forward as friends for now. I think this is a good idea because then it's not really such a final good-bye for either of us...we will still be able to talk and communicate. She said again that if she gets to a place where she wants to R, that she will come after me. I asked her how can she say that since she doesn't know what my sitch will be whenever that day comes, if it does at all. I said what if I am in a new relationship by then. She said she would just come out and ask me how serious I am with said woman. She said she would then explain that she wants to pursue a relationship with me again. So I guess that means if WAW ever does want to R, she will have no hesitation in letting me know. This is good because most people here, such as what Sandi alluded to, state that the WAW should be the one to initiate such conversations. This way it will be that way.
So all in all it was a productive meeting, it didn't turn out as I had hoped it would...but it did turn out as I expected it to. I feel better knowing we are friends and that we will still be in contact. It makes the "good-bye" far less painful as we will still be a small part of each other's lives going forward. It also leaves the bridge intact for possible future R. The WAW said this too.
So for now I think "My Tragic WAW Story" finally ends here. Now it's just a matter of letting some months go by and letting her go to FL and just seeing where life takes us. Maybe we will R one day, maybe not. She made no promises nor did I ask for any. She just said that she's told people "I'm not going to lie, I can't rule out reconciling with IH some time down the road. The foundation is still there and we still love each other." So I guess that's really all I can ask for in this sitch. She's open to it as a possibility but for now, as Mr. Bond said, she needs to do this FL thing for her. I think validating her words, supporting her decision, and agreeing to be friends was the best thing I could've done last night. Now only time will tell what will happen down the road.
What a long, strange trip it's been.
Last edited by ItHurts; 08/18/1401:29 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IH, you are not running out of time. You have created an artificial cliff in your mind based on mindreading your W and forecasting the future.
Are you seriously going to throw away 13 years of marriage on the day she moves to FL? I doubt it. More likely you're using that as your only bargaining chip to get her to change her mind. You're setting an ultimatum and really hoping it works.
The way I see it, you are steadfastly refusing to respect her needs. She needs space and time. She believes she needs to go to Florida. You are insisting that if she does [take care of her needs] then you are done. This should not be your decision, and if she makes it based on your ultimatum, as the vets have suggested, it will come back to bite you later in your marriage.
You don't have to be a jerk about it.
Why not give her the respect to say "I know you believe you need this, and wouldn't be taking this step lightly. It's not what I wanted, for myself, but I want for YOU to take care of what YOU need to do."
If she's going to go anyway, why not give her the gift of understanding, instead of the friction of this petulant ultimatum? Which do you think would make her think harder about what she's doing?
Which do you think would create warm thoughts when she's in Florida, and which do you think she would need to steel her resolve to get away from, and solidify her need for space?
Which version do you think, if she decides not to go to Florida, will leave her content that she did the right thing for herself, and which will leave her anxious?
How secure would a woman feel in her marriage knowing her husband will drop her at the purchase of a plane ticket? How loved is that?
You can keep the road paved smooth, as DB suggests, or you can threaten and pout. But this has to be her decision to make.
In my opinion, DBing would be to continue working on your own changes, live your life as it comes - aka move forward with confidence and a positive outlook knowing that you will be fine no matter what, and give her the space to make her decision herself.
I don't think there's one right answer about NC or spending time with her, and if I were in your shoes I would probably lean toward spending time with her without pushing for more. I just think you've got to release this arbitrary deadline you've created about the move, and take each day as it comes.
If and when she wholeheartedly wants to be in a relationship with the new you, then the real work of healing will begin. Your best chance is to look like someone who she would wholeheartedly want to be in a relationship with.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oops as I reread this I noticed my phrasing was unclear: vets haven't suggested you set an ultimatum to make her stay; rather, vets have suggested doing so will come back and bite you later.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi adinva. Yes your words reflect exactly what happened last night with WAW. I supported her decision to move and I agreed to be her friend. So I am letting her go without any type of direct connection to me. She said she can't say she won't want to reconcile or that she will want to. She doesn't know. So we're moving on and I will remain a supportive friend. As far as spending time with her, I am sure I will see her a few more times before she leaves. She's already told me that her parents are leaving town for a few days and she will be alone in their house so I have a feeling she'll want to hang out at some point. However that's where I'm at now with WAW, exactly as you wrote. I support her decision and we are friends for now. I am just going to move on and let fate do what it will. I can't look back anymore. I am going to keep my GAL, hanging with friends, dating new women, spending more time with family, and undertaking things I've always wanted to do...like learn guitar. So I am putting WAW behind me once and for all. We have our friendship so she will never really be gone forever...just the relationship we share has changed is all. So I can give up now and truly move on...we had closure last night...proper closure that is...meaning there's no NC, there's no I can't be your friend. There's closure in that we are friends now and we are moving on. There is nothing left for me to "pursue" and nothing left to fight for so I am hoping now life gets much easier for me with this proverbial monkey off my back. As I said, it didn't end the way I had hoped it would, but it definitely ended the way I expected it to.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
You're still predicting the future, which is worse than a waste of time. Just be still.
And if you want an opinion, you are in no place to be dating. It seems like a cliche that men immediately want to fill the void with the next person. It keeps them from having to heal.
Moving forward is not the same as moving on.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
