MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[adinva]

IH, you are not running out of time. You have created an artificial cliff in your mind based on mindreading your W and forecasting the future.

Are you seriously going to throw away 13 years of marriage on the day she moves to FL? I doubt it. More likely you're using that as your only bargaining chip to get her to change her mind. You're setting an ultimatum and really hoping it works.

The way I see it, you are steadfastly refusing to respect her needs. She needs space and time. She believes she needs to go to Florida. You are insisting that if she does [take care of her needs] then you are done. This should not be your decision, and if she makes it based on your ultimatum, as the vets have suggested, it will come back to bite you later in your marriage.

You don't have to be a jerk about it.

Why not give her the respect to say "I know you believe you need this, and wouldn't be taking this step lightly. It's not what I wanted, for myself, but I want for YOU to take care of what YOU need to do."

If she's going to go anyway, why not give her the gift of understanding, instead of the friction of this petulant ultimatum? Which do you think would make her think harder about what she's doing?

Which do you think would create warm thoughts when she's in Florida, and which do you think she would need to steel her resolve to get away from, and solidify her need for space?

Which version do you think, if she decides not to go to Florida, will leave her content that she did the right thing for herself, and which will leave her anxious?

How secure would a woman feel in her marriage knowing her husband will drop her at the purchase of a plane ticket? How loved is that?

You can keep the road paved smooth, as DB suggests, or you can threaten and pout. But this has to be her decision to make.

In my opinion, DBing would be to continue working on your own changes, live your life as it comes - aka move forward with confidence and a positive outlook knowing that you will be fine no matter what, and give her the space to make her decision herself.

I don't think there's one right answer about NC or spending time with her, and if I were in your shoes I would probably lean toward spending time with her without pushing for more. I just think you've got to release this arbitrary deadline you've created about the move, and take each day as it comes.

If and when she wholeheartedly wants to be in a relationship with the new you, then the real work of healing will begin. Your best chance is to look like someone who she would wholeheartedly want to be in a relationship with.