Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I'm on Struggle Street a bit this week. My boss has had surgery so the store is in my hands for 2.5 weeks. The work side of things has gone well. I have organised myself very well and shifts have gone smoothly. I have had a lot of problems with staffing however which has caused me a lot of stress. Already one person down, I've had a number of colleagues come down with the flu, one with important high school exam trials, one going away for the weekend, one generally uncooperative and no power to hire or fire, and most of the shifts being left up to a high schooler who is only available after school hours and myself. I don't mind the amount of work; I used to work 26 days out of 28 with only a week off between work stints. I do mind that my hands are tied and I have no idea whether I'm going left or right or whether I'll be home for dinner or see my kids in the morning (I'm out of the house before everyone wakes up when I do early shifts).

On top of that, when I have been home my energy has been down. My kids have been misbehaving when I'm around which doesn't inspire me to want to spend time with them. My wife has been generally positive however it's all external things; friends, cakes, job possibilities, etc. There is no movement on the relationship front though she continues to communicate with me frequently. She updates me about most of her plans now and has even had the courtesy to ask if I minded her doing a couple of things (no problems there). I have longed for a hug a few times. Not as a pursuit thing but as an 'I've had a hard day and I just need a hug'. We're not there yet so I haven't asked for one.

I did mention the desire for a hug in a note to my wife though. I've had a rough day today and I went quiet this evening. My wife has called me out on bottling up and I decided to write my feelings down. I wrote about the kids' behaviour, my issues at work and that I wanted a hug but knew we weren't there yet. I also mentioned some soreness I had that I wanted her help with. It was all matter of fact stuff; she chooses what she does with the info and I'm grateful if she takes it on board and unfazed if she doesn't. I feel good about how I wrote it, the feelings I expressed and the lack of expectation behind my words. Kind of like 'this is where I am. Call me out on anything you find negative. I'd like your help with a couple of things and I'm OK if you choose not to.' I thought my wife was asleep however she responded that she wasn't ready for the hug but that she would have helped with the soreness if she wasn't so tired. We're on different pages but I feel we're at least working towards the same methods of dealing with issues which is a good start for us.

Relationship-wise, we are still a little far apart emotionally I feel. There has been no movement since the bedroom rearrangement but we're prepared if and when it occurs. I personally don't feel up to moving back in just yet but I am open to spending some nights with her to see how we feel about it and if it helps create non-sexual intimacy between us. Originally I was pretty well against it and then I remembered that my wife had put a lot of thought into things throughout this situation and that if she wanted to spend the night with me that she would have put thought into that too and that it was at least worth trying it as an act of good faith. We're not there yet though I'm at least mentally prepared for it.

I'm still playing soccer and I'm loving it. I was told my foot skills are improving which isn't bad for about six weeks' work. I'm still behind on my uni work though I feel I am making some progress. I received a 9 out of 10 on an essay I submitted, the first I'd written in ten years so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm expecting another result back within a few days and I have two more assignments due over the next three weeks. I enjoy learning though it's very difficult with everything else going on. Staffing issues aside, I am really enjoying the challenge of managing my store without my boss.

A bit of a long one but that's where I'm at. I work 13 consecutive days which will be interesting. My daughter's birthday, mum's birthday, anniversary (acknowledging but not celebrating), father's day and my wife's birthday are all in the next couple of weeks so it'll be a jam-packed period.