What is the thinking behind putting the amends back on her? "Please let me know how I can make amends with you. I am open to ideas and feedback." My instinct is to make amends for specific things and propose a path forward (or propose to just let it go). How does DBing differ from that instinct of mine?
I think you have it all wrong. I am not putting the amends "back on her"...it is ME requesting how to do so and in what ways I can achieve it for I've caused her a great deal of pain through my crazy MLC chit.
Please note that I NEVER, NEVER assumed knowing exactly what amends to make to Ms. Wonka. This is why I was respectful in my approach to Ms. Wonka. Maybe my notion of making amends isn't exactly what Ms. Wonka is looking for...hence my inquiry.
It is UP TO THE INJURED PARTY to outline what is needed to make amends that will ease some of their pain and reassured that the same actions will not happen again (news flash...it will never go away completely). It is not up to us to determine that. To do so is arrogant and preposterous!
You wrote:
My instinct is to make amends for specific things and propose a path forward (or propose to just let it go)
^^ that alone is a HUGE problem. It is all about YOU and what YOU want. That is a very dangerous path to go down on, buddy. Have you ever stopped to think about what Julia's POV? Doesn't she have any say on any of this at all?? She has her own opinions, thoughts, and feelings as well. Don't be too quick to dismiss her at all.
That is what I did for a long time before I sat down and composed the letter to Ms. Wonka. First and foremost, I worked hard on my chit FIRST. Then I was at a place of strength and was able to put ME aside completely. The focus was squarely on Ms. Wonka and how I can MAKE her feel heard by asking what it would take from me to make sincere amends.
See the difference?
You want to let it go because......
I think I know the answer.
Because you are wallowing in guilt and feeling pain. You just want it all go go away NOW by penning some missive to Julia so it all be done and over with. Then you'll sit all puffed up in false satisfaction that you've ticked that off on your checklist.
Her pain is 100x yours. If you cannot handle working through your own pain, then you will not have the patience to DB successfully. Then you're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over with other women.
Do you want that?
If not, then pay attention to advice and wisdom passed on here from those of us who have done the hard work and reaped the rewards from it.
