Thank you topgun ... and yes the fact she is actually starting to see her own issues have played a part is a good step in the right direction
So I get to the store, she was upset with our son, he was aparently acting out and back talking according to her, so I calmly stepped in, asked her for the list of supplies we needed to get, and told her "ok I am here, let me do this and you can talk a walk and gather yourself" ... she started in on me saying I was taking S's side ... I again just calmly repeated "I am here, trying to help you ... let me take him and get these items, you could use a break I know you are frustrated but yelling is not going to solve this, I will speak to him once you leave" .... ok .. this was a 180 for me ... I know S is acting out, but hey ... he is 7 and she was acting like she was 8 ... so this approach workd, by the time we were finished she thanked me and asked what was wrong with our S .. I told her "You both just seemed to be misunderstanding each other and worked each other up" ... she laughed and thanked me again ... Baby steps
So we get to S Dr appt, non eventful and I tell her I hope she has a nice evening ... she asked if I had plans for the day .. infact I did in a few hours I was playing Softball but was going to take S to lunch she was welcome to join us ... and she did because she "wanted to talk"
I was like .. crap ... ok ... DB DB DB ... so the talk went well I think .. she did bring up R a few times and I told her I was not wanting to discuss that, (OM has only been out of the picture less than a week) ... she told me she is having a hard time with things, I talked to her as a person, not as my with, I listened, I told her tid bits of various books I have read, told her the IC appt would be very good for her.
She asked if she has always had issues ... trust, control, assumptions .. told her they were always there and I failed in my approach to them ... without bringing it up I generally explained how I did not speak her LL ... just by telling her I thought she always wanted $$ when I realls should just have sat and had a nice one on one eye contact type talk , and should have taken her more places ... out of the house as a family and just things for her and I. (She keeps asking about some pictures she wants from our honeymoon the past few days ... no mind reading but its strange)
She then asked me what I want .... now before DB my reply was .. For you to stop the A with OM and give our M a real shot ... I refrained ... I told her that at the moment the M and our R was not really on my top 5 list of things I am trying to focus on ... that I have been proud of the progress I have made but need to keep at it and not backslide (explained the backslide concept and took that as a chance to explain thats what I did during our last blowup and apologized)
She told me she needed to go ... (was going to see our first nanny) ... tears in her eyes she thanked me twice for the talk and said "Maybe one day you can forgive me" I paused and thought about it ... and just looked her in the eyes and said "Maybe you can forgive me too"
I felt like the exchange was a positive, took some chances to make sure she knew I would never go back to the old marriage we had .. but did say something to the point that I did not think we were at a point for R as we both have some work to do on ourselves and would not have the time/energy to put into what would need to happen for R to be successful been the 3rd time OM and her have split ... and I am not going through a 2nd attempt at R till I know he is gone and she is ready to work at it.(Wish I had that advice the first time) ... she did actually respect that stance. She asked if I thought her and I were a mistake .. that we just stayed together because we were afraid of being alone ... I told her no way do I think 24 years can ever be considered a mistake, we had a lot of great times .. we just forgot how to treat each other the past couple years and a few small acts of kindness we may have avoided this entire mess as far as I was concerned ..... however as much as I did not like the situation I did tell her I actually see it as a hidden blessing as I would not have become the man I now am .. and I actually like who I am and where I am going.
All in all I think it was a great talk, seeds planted and now I just stay the course and hope they take root. Praying for small miracles and patience.
