You don't have to validate EVERYTHING that GUBU says...or even those that you don't necessarily agree with.
Originally Posted By: GGG
But I thought I was supposed to "validate", etc. and not give him reason to dig his feet in deeper on the issue. Me trying to put my foot down is likely to have the opposite effect.
If H says:"But I want to start dating and that means I have to be gone more"
You can simply say, "I think differently. I don't think it is respectful when married couples date others outside of the marriage."
If GUBU gets upset or annoyed, it is all on him. It is for him to own completely.
After all, if he feels he is ready to "date" while he doesn't live here, there is not much I can do about it. In his mind, our M is OVER. I guess.
Irregardless of what GUBU thinks or feels, you own your core values and you can communicate them to him. How he reacts to your comments is all on him. Shrug your shoulders and try not to take it personally.
I was only thinking about trying to work out a compromise and removing resistance to his helping around here more.
If he says the reason he can't be around more to help is because he wants to "date", then who am I to say otherwise?
That is a fine line between diffusing the situation and placating GUBU. Careful there, honey.
As for GUBU moving in----
But to amend it, I could say something like: "I've thought about that too as a possible solution, but I have to make sure that it would be a healthy situation for me to be in. It's easier to tolerate what you are doing if you are not living here. I don't think I would be comfortable with you behaving as though you were single while we are still married."
Here's a suggested, modified response:
"I've thought about that too as a possible solution, but I have to make sure that it would be a healthy situation for me to be in. In order for that to happen, I need more support from you around the house in terms of doing chores. It's a lot for a person to take on alone and I will need you to be able to do this on a reliable, consistent basis.
You're not guilt tripping H with hot buttons like behaving like a mopey, selfish singleton. To do so will just inflame and enrage GUBU unnecessarily. Do you see the difference between the two responses?
Plus you still want the squirrel to be able to eat out of your hand...right?
