You are over thinking this ItHurts. Yes, she could be pondering all the things you mentioned...like missing you here while you are NC. But if she is afraid you have really moved on because she is considering FL, or even goes to FL, what option have you given her?
And why be subtle? Being subtle about asking her out means you are either unsure of what you are doing, or not confident in what you are doing. Just ask her out. Act as if you two are still in your honeymoon period from a few weeks ago. You have already said she is warm to you. Tell her you want to take her to her favorite restaurant or something before she leaves. Act as if she already is leaving and you are ok with it when you are around her. Show her you are fine with whatever she decides and you respect her RIGHT to make her own decisions. Do these things and be the H she would be a fool to leave, and she wont leave...unless she is a fool
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Okay been texting WAW for the past half hour. I have a meeting set with WAW for tonight at 11PM at her parent's, we're going to the park to talk. I plan to talk to her about options we have where we could technically still call off our divorce and still have her move to Florida for awhile. There's options for the two to coexist. Then perhaps 6 months or so down the road if she decides she does want to live there permanently, we have to decide to then go forward with the divorce or I'd have to think about myself moving there with her. I think this way I am still supporting her decision as Pilot says, but at the same time I will get my proof that she is serious about reconciling at some point. I mean there are married people who are forced to be apart for long periods of time because of careers, etc. As long as she is willing to still be my wife, I am willing to let her go down there and do what she needs to do for herself. This, of course means no dating for either of us but she's made it clear she has no desire to date anyone for at least a year, kind of a long time I'd say, even for me to say that, but I can't say I'm displeased that she feels that way.
Of course I'll think hard on this all day today but the meeting is set for right after I get out of work tonight. I will keep you guys posted.
Last edited by ItHurts; 08/17/1406:32 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Why do you still have the need to talk to her? She still plans to move and yet you are still trying to change her mind. This will only re-enforce her idea to move.
Let it go and let her go.
If she doesn't do this and make the decision ON HER OWN, she will resent you for it in the future. I've seen that happen too many times.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Why do you still have the need to talk to her? She still plans to move and yet you are still trying to change her mind. This will only re-enforce her idea to move.
Let it go and let her go.
If she doesn't do this and make the decision ON HER OWN, she will resent you for it in the future. I've seen that happen too many times.
Well as I said, because Pilot's post makes perfect sense to me. What have I to lose at this point? I told you, I don't really believe she actually wants to move as much now. I don't believe every single WAW is identical. People are individuals and they have their own set of circumstances that make them act a certain way. In my WAW's case, she never thought we could have what he had before ever again, now she knows we can and it throws her for a loop. Her decision is being questioned in her head because of it. She herself has said so.
I can't just ignore her now for two months and "let her go" because then that's it for me, the end of the road. This my last resort. I'm going to end up without her either way so why should I not speak to her? I don't have 3 weeks now to go NC, I did that for two months and it did exactly what it was supposed to do. It brought WAW and I back to speaking terms now. I can't start that cycle again when I can just talk to her now, especially after all that's happened the past two weeks. The grass is always greener already happened for her. Her regrets have already happened for her. Now her issues are about her alone, not our marriage.
So I'm not just letting her go because I know her, I spent 18 years with her, I know the WAW and I know my wife...and I know this decision isn't as solid in her head as she lets on. She doesn't want to "hurt me again" so she refrains from sharing anything in her head that she feels would "lead me on." I am of the mind she simply cannot hurt me anymore than she already has...I'm a big boy and I can take it. So why not take the chance? After all, she knows what I am going to talk about, and if she was so unreceptive to the idea, I wouldn't have gotten a text reply back almost immediately and wouldn't have been able to set up a meeting on such short notice. She is receptive to me now for the first time in months. She's in love with me again. So I have a power I was stripped of before.
I'm running out time before she leaves and I am running out of legal time to reverse the divorce. Time is not my ally anymore...I don't have "the gift of time" anymore. It's all or nothing now. That's why I am handling it this way. It's do or die at this point.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I think I'm the worst guy here to give advice but I feel this burning desire to contribute.
ItHurts--I say do what you need to do to answer your "what if."
She has divorced you. This is a fact.
You have two chooses: Have no contact or pursue.
If you choose no contact and let her make the decision to move to Florida--she may do it. But she will make this choice without your influence.
You give her the control. She will make this decision based on the information she currently has about you and your marriage as it is in its current state.
Your "what if" will be answered? And the "what if" is "What if I left her alone. Would she come back to me?"
But if you believe advice you got during divorce busting was wrong.
In other words--You should have pursued her. You should have dated her. You should have made her feel important and you want to learn "what if" then change your destiny. Do all of that now.
Your "what if" will be answered, "What if I had pursued my wife? Would I have saved my marriage?"
I'm not saying either choice will result in saving your marriage. But I am saying either choice will get the "what if" answer.
The question is: Which "what if" do you want answered?
I don't think you are not powerless. Just indecisive.
Look, she has had boocoodles of opportunities to tell you she wants to give these next six weeks a trial run to see if it helps her decision. (Just so you know, I am not saying that would be the thing for you to do.) . Has she suggested that the two of you spend her last weeks together? I know she makes goo-goo eyes at you and keeps you dangling by telling you things like you aren't making it easy to leave -- and when she moves to FL she'll come back to get you. And it works, b/c it throws you for a loop and you start all over again wondering if you should continue to peruse her before she leaves.
Hurt, you have got to stop all this wishy-washy talk with her. Why would she ever believe you mean what you say? How many times have you told her one thing just to completely reverse in the next day or two? That is not good. You need to be the stable minded person here, b/c she certainly isn't.
Has she once asked you what it would take to reconcile the M? She tells you other things about show she feels. But here's the thing, so many WAW's who have been in an A.....and they are experiencing all this "confusion" over their feelings? They are still caught up in themselves. In other words, it is still all about her and her feelings. She is still putting herself first. What she wants and what she feels. Some of them really think thar all it takes to R the M is for them just to move back home.
A lot of LBH's start announcing their conditions, or whatever, and the WAW doesn't take him seriously or isn't interested.......b/c he starts all making those proclamations at the wrong time. Timing is crucial.
Has she inquired ? Or has it been mostly you assuming this is what she is thinking about? Maybe she has "stated" she is giving it consideration, IDK. She doesn't seem to have a problem talking about other things, saying she still loves you, spending time and being passionate with you. I find it a little strange she wouldn't ask you what you would expect or want to see happen in order to reconcile and heal the M.. Why wouldn't she approach it if she is so confused about what she wants to do? Maybe I missed that part, IDK. But if I am hitting it pretty close.......then please stop and think about it.
I strongly advise you to stop talking about your stitch to her friends, and your friends! It keeps you off balance and confused. Make up your mind and stick to your decision! . There is even a difference of opinion here on the board, so base you decision on your deep personal values & belief system.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Bob! No ABSOLUTELY BD'ing got me where I am now...for no other reason than I do have my own life without her now. I see my family more, my old friends, I meet new ladies, and I am even learning to lay guitar...FINALLY! All of that is because DB'ing got me through those first two months. But it's at a point now where I am running out of time and many DB tactic require extraordinary amount of time. I had that time two months ago...now I don't. So no, DB'ing did anything but fail me...if anything it saved me. It saved me in a way that I can "pursue" and if she still goes, I've already mourned her leaving.
I just know she is very receptive to me right now, VERY receptive...and I feel like I need to be part of her life right now. Everytime she is with me she questions her move...and not through anything I do to influcence her...just the way she feels with me now. She feels like she used to when things were good with us and I know that's a new kink in her plan. So I can't let that kink fade away, I need to keep it alive. That's why I am "pursuing"...because I feel DB'ing got me to this point where she even WANTS to see me...before she couldn't wait to get away from me. She is different now, the grass is always greener is realized by her now. So this is my last chance really. I have no time to NC anymore which is what DB'ing would tell me to do now. I'm sure it would work again if I had the time, but drastic times call for drastic measure. Sure, I'm sure this will all blow up in my face tonight...but so won't not talking to her ever again and having her just move. Either way I lose. See what I mean?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Hi Sandi...just saw your reply. Yes WAW has asked me about ting regarding R. I told her the first thing (based on advice on this board) is that i would have all passwords and access to texts, e-mails, etc. Her reply was "oh absolutely." She also talked about some other things but I am running late for work here so I have to go. I will reply in more depth tomorrow or late tonight. Thanks for posting Sandi, I calue your input and I will stop listening to friends of ours regarding this sitch. My inclination now as far as making a decision is to pursue her. More later. Thanks so much Sandi.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
