What to do with my Picnic now?

[bustingout]

I have been reflecting on the talks I have had with H as of late ( we had another one four days ago). There has been some clarity and some more confusion.

My reflections based on what he has said and behavior:

He said he was thinking of going on a spiritual/ religious pilgrimage ( contrast to him also saying that thing about one night stands).

His big thing seems to be fear of moving too fast and not ready to be be a couple ( even though I have not mentioned or asked directly or indirectly about a ' couple' status).

He asked again what I meant when I asked if he would live like a married man. I said very bluntly ' having no physical or emotional affairs' he nodded in agreement.

He said he thought I was jumping too far in the future. That I expected him to act like a full on husband right now ( same bedroom, intimacy, etc) I said I was not ready either.

He said the way he understood what I was saying was that I was already in a place he was not. I told him what I meant was that we can't figure anything out, whether we go on a path together or not, unless we are working from the same place on equal footing. And any third parties involved in any capacity will not allow that natural development - wherever it may lead us. He said he understood and said ok.


We have come back to our country and he is staying at the house with us.when we landed I began to feel apprehension and some resentment. Resentment towards H for all the years I travelled alone with the kids and thoughts of the travels he did with ( still seems to be x) OW. I also was apprehensive about coming back to 'the past four years' in this country. I worked through it and realized that no matter what, it wasn't going to be the same. Not just because H, but rather because I am truly in a different and better place emotionally and mentally. I have moved forward from this - and while I still will have hard times, I feel like I have made it through some of the darkest times. I see my light now.

Before we came back, we went and visited my mom for a few days and he came along happily. He took me and my sister out one evening.

Yesterday was my son's bday and he was INVOLVED with the party and with our adult friends that came as well. After the kids slept, me, him, and our pre MLC best friends ( a husband and wife) stayed and we had drinks.

He is still maintaining a sense of his 'independence'. he made plans tonight to see his buddy and only told me when he was ready to leave. So there is no communication or talk of what he is doing. It feels like he needs to keep that sense of being in control, we are not a couple thing. He did say 'busting, I am leaving now and I will see you later'. Progress.

I bought refillable water bottles for the whole family (actually last year I bought just for me and the kids). This year I bought four. And when son asked for water, H said ' here use mine...if it is mine that is...' I said yes, it is.

Son got a phone for his birthday and H gave him a phone chip that was an old work number of H's. I said to H ' will that be ok? What if son gets weird phone calls?' H took this to mean I was talking about (still seems to be x)OW. He got very defensive ( I know what I am doing, etcetera !) and immediately I said, no, wait, you have misunderstood. I meant weird WORK phone calls. He deflated immediately and said , 'oh, ok. It should be fine. Haven't used the number for years'.

It did make me see he is feeling very raw about (still seems to be x) OW talk or implied talk, or potential talk. I take it that this is guilt? Not ready to face it? Etc.

Overall it's the FEELING I have that is different. A big change has occurred and I can feel it in my gut. I am not saying that this trip is over. Not at all. But there has been a release of some sort. I can't explain it. It's calm. I feel less turmoil less haunted by this all.

I am very aware this is a delicate time. If this is going to move forward I am sure there are difficult times ahead.


Xxx