The funny part is that I easily could've been a WAH at some point. A wife with three children that resented my expectations and felt victimized and abused, who in turn withdrew and made her life about the kids...there was nothing in it for me. I felt like a single guy that payed 100% of my income in child support and wasn't allowed to date other women. And this lasted a couple of years.
But more than anything I wanted a healthy life long commitment. My W is a good woman, and I felt there had to be a way to make it work. And I couldn't see any road that lead me away from her that I wouldn't regret taking for the rest of my life. I decided I was going to stay with her no matter what, even if it was a troubled R. Of course, I didn't realize the extent of how I was making it a troubled R, I thought it was on her to change (grain of truth, but might she have changed if I had?). But I was going to stick it out.
But she wasn't. I'm torn about it. I'm grateful for the easing of the pain, the chance to work on myself. But I'm sad that my partner doesn't see the value of a LTR to the same degree, that instead of being by my side as I dealt with my demons and supporting me, and putting work in the M on her end, she would just pull the plug. But I can forgive. After all, we're many months from the D being finalized, this could work out for the best whether we get back together or not.
For you, all I can say is to make sure the reality is attractive. You can't compete with fantasy by promising fantasy. But you can make the reality very appealing. Stable, understanding, compassionate, supportive, but with boundaries and timelines that are fair and real as well. And don't dismiss his needs just because he's a bit crazy, validation is probably your secret weapon!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
